Chloë stayed at the NICU for 11 days. Despite having come out breathing on her own, she was tiny at 4 lbs and 8.6 oz, and definitely very yellow since her bilirubin levels were kind of high, so she needed the special care and attention at the NICU.
Seeing her there was heartbreaking, and while I was constantly overjoyed when I looked at her, not being able to keep her all the time was very tough.
I was discharged on July 13th and leaving the hospital without her was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I can't quite explain how I felt, all I know is that I hurt all over. They discharged us at 1pm, but we only managed to leave to come home at around 5pm.
We spent the next several days waking up, heading to Sibley until evening, and coming home to sleep, only to go back the next morning. My days and nights were very structured ...between pumping and feeding, and leaving to go see Chloë. Josh was able to work from 'home' (in this case from the family room at Sibley) while I breastfed, pumped, and watched Chloë.
Every day we were told she was doing better. Some days better than others..
At one point we were told she was coming home on July 18th or 19th and then she didn't gain enough weight so they told us not until July 21st or so. On Saturday July 19th they prepped us for the chance she might be coming home on Sunday. We tried desperately not to get our hopes up--I failed miserably. On Sunday morning we called, and despite an initial phone call where they said she wouldn't be coming home and I sat and cried for an hour..Josh called back a little while later and they confirmed she was indeed coming home--her weight hadn't been checked accurately enough earlier which is why there was the confusion.
I was so giddy and anxious and the whole day was a preparation. We cleaned, and got the last minute things we needed, and I showered, and did my hair and picked out a nice outfit. We spent several hours at the NICU getting all the information about Chloë's care, and by 5pm we were on our way home.
Driving home with Chloë was absolutely bliss!
Walking inside the house with Chloë was surreal and wonderful..
Despite having missed the traditional introduction to motherhood (giving birth to a full term baby, bringing the baby home a couple of days later, etc...) once we brought Chloë home, all the heartache I had felt gave way to just total bliss.
All I've been able to do is stare at this perfect little girl...little Chloë Marie.
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