I blinked and your turned 4

Dear Chloe-

On the morning of your birthday, and even the night before, as I drifted off to sleep, I felt as if I had blinked, and you turned 4.  Four years old. You amaze me every single day with all your quirks and the often crazy things you say.  Your tenderness with your brother, your Lukie, and your parents.  Every time you spontaneously hug us or tell us you love us.  You amaze me. 

You are only four, but at the same time, you are ALREADY four.  Time has flown by, and as I read somewhere I need to remember that “despite my very best efforts, there was no way to freeze time.” 

Instead, I cherish all the memories and moments that make my soul sparkle with joy.  Every day.  Like when you told me you wanted (and still do!) “Big hair like Babunzel.”  And better yet, when you reminded me the other day that “Lucas has crocodiles [on his PJs] because he bites all the kids.”  The precious moments in the morning when I play doll with you and you let me do your hair “Can I have a new hairstyle?” [You are still learning how to say some of your S words] the moments when your smile shines with total excitement, when we went to the spray park the week of your birthday, and you were surprised I let you run through it eventhough we had no bathing suit (or towels, or a change of clothes).  You were so happy you kept running over to me, dripping wet, and exclaiming, over and over “Mommy, this is so, so, SO fun!”

I love watching you play, and the shows you put on in the “little room” are so magical.  You float about as your sing and dance (and Lucas follows you around) and you make sure we’re watching and clapping and you enthusiastically “shake your booty”.  Every day there is something that makes me pause, so that I may firmly plant that memory in my mind.

And a couple of weeks after your birthday, as I sat next to you on the kitchen table and watched you read for the first time, I thought my heart would explode.  I laughed through misty eyes as you carefully sounded out your words.  And you didn’t let me record the moment, but I will never forget it:  “Hmmmmm. Ahhhhhh.  Ttttttt.  Mat!  Ssssss.  Ahhhhh.  Tttttt.  Sat!  Oohhh.  Nnnnn.  On!  Ahh. A! Cuhhh.  Ahhhh.  Ttttt.  Cat!”  Each word gave you such thrill and made me burst at the seams!

So, as I sit here and write to you, so that we will never forget not even one moment, I am filled with hope that you will forever remain this amazing girl.  Filled with love, and compassion.  Tenderness and courage.  With all your magic and joy.  I hope that as the years go on by, you never forget to hug us and kiss us, and tell us how much you love us.  And that you always remember all your hopes and dreams, and that you manage to one day have your hair as long as ‘Babunzel’, and continue to always be spontaneous and enjoy every moment of every day.  That you continue to shine and shake your booty, and that you always take pride in all your accomplishments, whether big or small.  So, remember that, because I know one day soon, I will blink and you will 14, and 24, and 34.  But I will cherish every memory and every moment.

Happy 4^th birthday, bunny girl.

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for food i will walk

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to Lucas, on your very first birthday

to you, Lucas, I wish you the moon and the stars,

on your very first birthday, I wish you rainbows and magic, and a life full of everything you could ever want. you are a beacon of hope and strength. you have knowing eyes and a sneaky smile that makes me laugh every time. you've lived a lot in these last few months, and i pray that you will continue to live hard, and play hard for all the rest of your life.

I could never imagine we would be blessed twice over with miracle babies, and you came unexpectedly into this world, just as we were wondering, yearning, hoping that maybe, just maybe, a shining start would look down on us. i remember thinking that there was something going on, but when that stick flashed me with the "you're pregnant" I thought the floor had given out from under me and nothing was real anymore. I remember sitting on the bed, but feeling like I was floating on air. I remember shaking uncontrollably and crying through my laughter, and wondering how truly lucky, and blessed we were. I remember feeling so much lighter than I had ever felt, and it was the most beautiful day.

I carried you in my belly for 9 months, every day hoping for another month, another week, another day--just to make sure you were big and ready to come out. I jumped through hoops to make sure you stayed inside--and by hoops I mean I stayed on the couch for 4 months. I did everything I could possible do to ensure you were safe, and while I prayed for you to stay inside as long as possible, I couldn't wait for the day I would get to hold you in my arms.

I remember holding you my arms on that first evening, and I was so tired, but you were perfect, and I don't think I let go for hours and hours. daddy changed your diaper, and I think I spent that entire first night awake. looking at you. holding you.

so, on your very first birthday, Lucas, I wish you the moon and the stars.

I wish you rainbows and magic, and a life full of everything you could ever want.

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a girl after my own heart...

Chloë: What dis? [pointing my to my ears]
Me: These are diamond earrings.
Chloë: So preddy. I wish me have diamond earrings.

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moving at the speed of lightning

it feels like summer was just here, and all of a sudden the trees are turning.

my baby boy will be one next week. except, he's not a baby anymore. he's weaned himself and he drinks from a cup. he babbles and stands up straight and can fend for himself (for the most part...) when it comes to dealing with my other pumpkin.

life with two is hectic and there's nothing like it, i love--LOVE--every little thing about my babies, and when I hold them I sometimes wish they'd stay little forever. Josh feels the same way, and the other day Chloë said she didn't have to eat dinner because she didn't want to grow up because "I need to stay little like daddy said."

if I close my eyes I can still feel the haziness of those first few weeks after we brought Lucas home, and how he would nurse non stop, every two hours, sometimes every hour, and I wondered, OHMYGOD when will this end--will he ever stop eating?

tonight I found myself mourning his latest milestones: his first steps, his little babbling, his big boy demeanor. i felt a huge sense of pride for all that he has accomplished, but my eyes welled up at the thought of him growing up. the thought of both of them growing up.

each passing day, I know I can never go back, they get older, and as I struggle to leave the babies behind, knowing that my babies will never be babies again, i marvel at all that they are, all that they are becoming.

earlier, i wiped a few tears away, and eventually realized that perhaps my babies will always be my babies.

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sunshine

sometimes, she just glows.

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to my Chloë-on your 3rd birthday-

Happy, happy, birthday to my favorite, most wonderful daughter in the whole world! You are my sunshine, my light, my sparkle. The years have flown by and I am constantly amazed by the little person you are becoming. You carry your heart on your sleeve, and you fill our days with laughter, and joy.

I look at you and I could just about burst with so much love.

I love it when you sing your worries away, and when you rush to your brother's side when he cries. I love that you enjoy giving 'big hugs' and 'kiss, kiss, kiss!' and that you cuddle before bedtime. I love our snuggles in the morning, and our tickle fests in the afternoon. I love that to you so many things are fantastic, and you see the world with utter amazement. I love that you can speak both English and Portuguese, but only when you want to. I love your stubbornness and your candid confessions. I love your thinking finger, and your crazy curls. I love your silly faces and serious looks, and also your trembling lips and begging eyes. I love your little toesies and sneaky belly button, and also your belly. I love your gentle touch with your brother as you always remind us to be careful with his head. I love it that you get him toys and make him smile like no one else does, and the way you dance across the room singing your ballerina song. I love all those things and so much more, and want you to know that I will always love you, the good, the bad, the silly, the serious, the sad, the 'everything' you are made of.

Happy 3rd birthday, Chloë!

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reason #547 why i love her.

Last night I was feeling very queasy and had a horrible stomach ache. Blame it on all the 4th of July food extravaganza at our household...So, after both kids were fed, I had to lay on the couch. Actually, I was all curled up. Lucas had the iPhone to distract him, but Chloë was a little concerned when she realized I wasn't feeling well:

C: Mommy? You sick?
Me: Yes, honey. I don't feel good.
C: You need to go to the doctor?
Me: No, I just need to lay down here.
C: Oh, ok. Here, I sing and pet you. A, B, C, D, E, F, Geeeee....H, I J, K, emmenonopeeee [all done while petting my hair.]
Me: Aw, thanks honey.
C: You feel better now?
Me: Still a little sick.
C: Hmm..

So, she proceeded to walk up to the shelf where we have all our pictures. She picked one up of my mom, and one of my dad, walked over to me and said "Mommy, it's ok, your mommy and daddy are here."



Chloë, wise beyond her years...

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this.

The look in their faces as they gaze at each other. This is life. Love it.

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e. e. cummings said it best...

"the most wasted of all days is one without laughter."









These are all pictures from different days...but in every one of them, there he is, all smiles and a laughter so real it bursts! This kid just smiles and laughs all. the. time. A friend asked me how come he is always laughing, and actually suggested he may be laughing *at* me. To which I answer...could be. In fact, very likely.

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patience

Please be patient while I tweak a few things on the blog, to make it look prettier, and update some things!

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the little things

Today I took my favorite girl to see "Barney & Friends". She was insanely excited, and it rubbed off. We got dippin' dots, and cotton candy, and some souvenirs. She conned me into getting her a magical light-up wand, and a toy 'for Lucas'. I use the 'for Lucas' in quotes because that was simple a line. It turns out *she* always knew that that second souvenir, Baby Bop, was all for her. I forgave her because she won me over. She won me over when at intermission she looked up at me as we walked to the bathroom and said "Mommy, thank you for a fun day with Barkey." When I told her the show wasn't over, that there was, in fact, MORE Barney, the eyes lit up and she nearly tripped trying to run back to her seat!

And this is the excitement at seeing Barney back on stage:

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my son, my hero

I haven't written much about this, or even a little, for that matter. But now it's over, we're on the other side, and my baby is smiling. And that smile is unlike anything I've ever seen. It's been a tough past several months as we prepared and geared up for Lucas' big surgery. We had months of anxiety, and panic, and just plain fear. We had weeks of build up to the big day, only to have it canceled the day before. Ear tubes were put in, and again we geared up for the big day. When it finally arrived, I was so nervous, and so on the edge, I felt unusually calm as we drove to the hospital, despite the thunderous downpour.

Lucas was filled with smiles, and as Josh walked him to the operating room, and he started to fuss because he was starting to realize how hungry he was, I felt an overwhelming weight just pushing down on me. I cried quietly until Josh returned and said he was asleep and the surgery would start soon.

In the waiting room, the seconds moved far too slowly and loudly. The minutes were endless, and the hours everlasting. After almost 5 hours Drs. D. and M. came out to talk to us. There were complications and as they spoke to us, I could barely make out their voices, and the room was spinning. My fear-induced calmness shattered and I broke down in a million little pieces. Again, we waited-for what felt like the longest seconds, minutes, and hours of my life. Once Dr. M. came back out I just wanted to hug him and never let go for saving my little boy and for saying we could go see him.

As we walked to the PICU, we were introduced to the nurses and other doctors who had fixed my baby, and each time, I felt such amazing gratitude for each and every one of them, thank yous were not enough. As we waited to go into his room, Josh reminded me to be brave and I knew that with him by my side, everything would be ok.

We walked in and Lucas was asleep, still sedated. He looked like he'd gotten into a big brawl, but his head dressing hid the worst of it. I cried softly, but I was so happy to see him, I just held his hand and thanked God for giving him light and protecting him and making him alright. I thanked all our friends and family who have been so supportive, and I thanked our doctors for the amazing work they did.

It wasn't until the next day, late in the morning, that Lucas was allowed to wake up. He was still badly swollen, and he couldn't open his eyes, but after asking if I could hold him, and nurse him, I was the happiest I've ever been as I held him in my arms and he took comfort in nursing and finally stopped crying.

The next few days went by in a blur. Every progress was amazing, and that first smile after Tuesday made my heart burst!

We were discharged on Friday afternoon. Only four days after we had arrived. On Tuesday morning, these amazing doctors had opened up my baby's head, reconstructed his skull, and by lunch time on Friday, we were driving home. He was all bruised up, and still swollen, but he was full of smiles.

As Josh said, he is a total badass--he is my son, my hero.



* Thank you from the bottom of our hearts, to all our friends, family and to the wonderful doctors who helped us get through this. We are so blessed and grateful for each and every one of you.

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In Memoriam: Kyra

Tonight the house is empty.

After we put the kids to bed and put down our wine glasses, the stillness hit me. Without you, the house is empty.

In my mind I see the reel and still shots of your life.

I see you, barely a few weeks old, curling up around our arms and legs. They said you were the runt of the litter, but you looked perfect to me.

I see you sleeping on top of piles of clothes inside my closet. I feel your nose touching mine and your quick lick before you bounce away looking for mischief.

I see your face so alert as you expertly maneuver to run and jump commando style and agilely snatch an entire pizza slice off my hand.

I hear your slurping as you drink your breakfast of cheerios and milk because we've run out of puppy chow.

I smell your wetness as you sprint inside shaking the rain off your coat and leaving a wet trail behind.

I see your almost wicked grin as you snap into position after having relieved yourself on the bed in a fit if jealousy.

I hear your feet crunching on the winter ground and see your face looking up at me with a snow covered snout.

I see your eyes, searching for mine, as you wander around the house, looking for the perfect spot to sleep.

I feel your tail hit my leg as you steal an entire stick of butter and run outside before I catch you-you growl at me, and before I have a chance to take it away, your swallow the entire stick of butter.

I remember all these moments, and so many more. I see them so clearly, and I can still smell your coat, and I feel the softness of the hair on your ear, which was so much softer than anywhere else.

But tonight, you are gone. Tonight the house is empty.

-Dedicated to Kyra, who passed away on April 20^th. We will miss you and love you always. This was written on the night of April 20^th but was kept private until today. I just wasn’t ready to share.

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pure love-no words needed

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