missing you

*written on December 27, 2009*

dear Chloe,

sometime in the next few weeks, we will share our last nursing session together. we've been working on this for a while, and we're down to morning and night, and you've been asking less and less. It seems you're getting used to not needing me as often. It seems you're growing up. I've had a hard time coming to terms with you weaning. In a way, it feels like you're leaving. It feels like one of the first, big, defining moments in our relationship.

But then I realize that from the day you were born, our lives have been filled with defining moments, which will ultimately shape you into the woman you will become. I remember all those moments like they just happened. Your first smile, and when you learned how to crawl, and your first steps, the first time you laughed a real belly laugh. I remember them all. I cherish them all.

So now, I've been nursing you, and holding you close each morning, and each night, like it'll be our last time. And each day, when you hold me close and drink my milk, I sketch your photograph in my mind, just in case, in case it'll be the last time.

--
*written on January 17, 2010*

It's now been almost a month since I started weaning you. I told myself for so long, how hard this would be for you, how I couldn't wean you because you just loved nursing so much, that I barely stopped to realize that in the end, I would miss it the most. Tonight as you nursed, you started drifting off to sleep, but you woke up when you realized there wasn't as much milk as you wanted. You whimpered, and caressed me, and said "oh, mommy.." and you closed your eyes and fell back asleep. When I laid you down in your crib, you rolled over grabbing your lovey, I kissed you goodnight, and I knew. Tonight, you are weaned. Tonight, I miss you.

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why breastmilk is really the bomb

So, after suffering from ear infection after ear infection since December, Chloë will be getting tubes put in on Monday morning. What's breastmilk got to do with it? Well, obviously this whole nursing thing did not help with the ear infections, unless without all the milky goodness she might have had way more ear infections, which I don't even think it's possible because she's basically had one a month, and the last round has lasted a full 5 weeks. Anyway, I digress. What's milk got to do with it? (and not any milk...BREAST milk, because dairy wouldn't have worked...) Well, Chloë has to fast for 12 hours prior to surgery (Monday at 8:15am), so that would mean that from 7pm on Sunday until late morning on Monday, she'd go without any food, and would likely wake up on Monday PISSED on her way to the hospital. BUT it turns out breast milk is sooo special that she can have some 4 hours before surgery. So, the plan will be to dream feed Chloë at around 2:30-3am, let her get lots of milk in her tummy, so when we wake her up at 6:30am to head over to the hospital, she'll forget that for the last 14 months the FIRST thing she does when she wakes up for the day is nurse. Fingers crossed, and wish us luck.

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in celebration (of world breastfeeding week)

August 1-7th is World Breastfeeding Week, and while I'm on vacation in California, enjoying the sun and beach with Chloë and Josh (pictures to come upon our return later this week), I'm still happy and proud to support WBW. I'm especially happy that I'm still nursing as it was an invaluable tool in helping calm Chloë during our 5 hour flight from DC to California. It has also been wonderful to be able to offer her some comfort and a link back to her daily routine while she adjusted to the time difference, the different crib, the multiple activities and the various people clamoring for her attention. She's been nursing often, and eagerly, especially when she gets uneasy, tired and confused about where she is and what we are doing so far away from home.

We go back home tonight, and there'll be lots of pictures to sort through, and stories to tell, and in between all of that, Chloë will continue to nurse.

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i was kidding

remember how a couple of weeks ago I celebrated the upcoming arrival of Chloë's teeth? I must have tempted fate, because, well, they still haven't sprouted out, and she continues to be teething. Her latest teething toy is yours truly.

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seriously? SERIOUSLY?

so this past Saturday I threw out 27.5 oz of tainted-with-gadolinium** pumped breastmilk. Or perfectly fine, drinkable breastmilk. YES--PERFECTLY FINE BREASTMILK! So perfectly fine, Chloë could have nursed and received all that milkie goodness straight from the source, fresh! Unfortunately, I only discovered this today. I pumped and dumped; I deprived my pumpkin of nursing; I turned my back (in this case my front) on Chloë so she wouldn't get tainted by gadolinium. Except she wouldn't have! According to the wonderful people at the Breastfeeding Center in Washington, DC, I could have continued breastfeeding without a worry in the world. And according to this too. And to the American College of Radiology.

I will no longer listen to the alleged MRI specialists who obviously know nothing about lactating women. I will not listen to any of the doctors who tried to give me advice (who shall remain nameless because despite it all, I still love them!) and instead I will only listen to lactation specialists when it comes to breastfeeding queries. Because they are probably the only ones who TRULY understand how hard it was for me to watch my little pumpkin desperately trying to nurse through my shirt.

PS. On an unrelated note, remember how we have the baby who won't (until recently anyway) poop on her own? Yeah, well, the baby who won't poop pooped in the bathtub. Yeah, that baby. Not as gross as you think, but still pretty gross.

** gadolinium is the contrast agent used in a lot of MRIs.

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why weaning will SUCK

Today I had an MRI with contrast for a shoulder/nerve injury. You would think that the fact that I was stuck inside a coffin, practically, for 1 hour and 47 minutes would be sufficient punishment for one day. You would think my day couldn't get any worse. You would think that for a Friday, my day would surely get better. You would be wrong.

The fact that I was injected with gadolinium contrast means that for 24 hours I have to pump and dump--DUMP my milk. It means I can't nurse my little pumpkin. It means that when she clamours for my milk, hands outstretched inching her little mouth to my chest, I have to push her away. Ultimately, it means weaning will suck. I already knew that. But seeing the want in her eyes as she tried to grab my shirt yum-yumming and smacking her lips just broke my heart.

Yes, I can definitely say weaning will suck. Maybe more for me than her, but for sure, when the time comes, I will be one broken hearted mommy.

Here's to hoping time could stand still...

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lights out

Yesterday at 2:45pm our power went out. Chloë usually naps at around 3pm, and on top of needing the trusty sound machine to fall asleep and stay asleep, she also gets very hot all the time, so without the AC, she did not manage to fall asleep. She was sweaty, and sticky, and aware of any little noise in the house--the dog walking up the stairs, the lawn mower outside, my breathing!, everything--so my mom and I decided to go out until the power came back. We went for ice cream, and walked around. We came back home at around 5:30pm, and unfortunately Chloë had to eat dinner and get ready for bed with NO LIGHT, NO AC! We managed to put a radio in her room with the static which helped her fall asleep, and she slept in a onesie and we hoped she wouldn't get too hot. When the power came back at 10pm my mom and I almost jumped for joy. My joy also had a lot to do with the 500 oz of breast milk stored in the deep freezer which thankfully stayed frozen. I think I would have cried for days if all of that had gone to waste.

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weaning? not me, not yet!

but one of my favorite bloggers, Her Bad Mother, has a beautiful post about her experience weaning her son--click here. For me, I feel the time is soon approaching, but I'm both dreading it and looking forward to it, mostly dreading it. I've already come to the realization that in addition to loving my times nursing Chloë, I also feel it's my way of making it up to her for not having kept her inside for her full 9 months. I know, I know, it was not my fault, but I still feel guilty over her lost 6 weeks. So for this reason--and because I'm crazy about her and love her little hands grabbing my breasts, and how intense she gets when she first starts eating, and how playful she then becomes after she gets her fill, by letting these tiny smiles escape her lips as she continues to suckle--for all these reasons, I almost wish I could nurse her forever.

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oh, the joys of pumping

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
11:15am
Department of State, Washington D.C.
This was the scenario:
Three hours into a Defense Trade Association Group meeting, I had to be escorted to the ladies' room where I had to pump some breastmilk for my little babe. The handicapped stall was the chosen spot, and so while a security guard waiting outside (my visitor badge required that I be escorted at all times) I proceeded to get pumping. Nevermind the awkwardness of knowing there was a guard waiting for me to finish, bathrooms are disgusting places to pump. In an attempt at making it a little better I laid down my nice black jacket on the floor so I could place my pump and parts on it, and then after setting up, I was immediately faced with performance anxiety. After a short pep talk, I was able to get the milk flowing, As the post title says--oh, the joys of pumping--it never ceases to amaze me.

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the world according to mom

Her Bad Mother has dared us mom bloggers everywhere to go where no moms (usually) dare to go...she has dared us to truthfully, and candidly strip the veil on motherhood and discuss the things we love and, perhaps not so much love, about being a mother.

So, here I go--the top 5 reasons why I love being a mother:

5) knowing that the love of my life and I made her--the other love of my life--together; knowing that she is essentially the result of our love for each other, and so even before she came out into this world, she was filled with just the best love ever. EVER;

4) sharing in her excitement and joy for every tiny, little new thing she sees and discovers, whether it's the little piece of lint on the carpet, or her reflection in the mirror, and her photograph on my cell phone;

3) loving someone more than I could have ever imagined;

2) the absolute thrill she gets from seeing me after a few hours--it's like Christmas times ten--no, times infinity!--the way she just shrieks and smiles and stretches her little arms out for me to hold her;

1) and topping the list is absolutely, without a doubt, nursing her. I just love, love, LOVE, nursing my little babe, anytime, anywhere, even when she chomps on my nipples, and pulls and pinches my breasts, I love that I'm providing her with food from ME. I love that we just sit there, so close, so tight, and she just looks into my eyes and drinks, and sometimes smiles out of the corner of her tiny little perfect mouth. I LOVE HER--and I love being her mother.

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i don't care what they say, i love nursing!

Here's an interesting article on breastfeeding that initially seems to indicate it is not all it's cracked up to be, but deep down, it still suggests breast is best. whatever it says, my mind is made up: I love nursing!

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chloё loves to eat

in the last couple of months Chloё has definitely become much more passionate about nursing. She knows she's going to get the freshest milk when I unzip my sweater and she is NOT a patient person at ALL. Sometimes if she drinks too fast she'll just pretend to be eating so I don't finish our nursing session. She smiles and coos because she knows I know she knows she's done. I find it all very endearing and can't get enough of it. I love it that I can nurse her, and as she gets older, and the months go by, I have to admit that I'm not exactly looking forward to weaning. It's our special time, and I treasure it.

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really? it took me over 7 months to find this?

if you're nursing..you MUST check out this AWESOME site!

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a pat on the back (my back!) and to many more!

so, 6 months came and went..and I forgot to congratulate myself on making it to month 6 of breastfeeding! Everything about BFing was such a challenge to me in the beginning, I kept saying "If I can only make it one more day" and each day would come and I'd be in a state of mixed joy and dread. Joy that I was able to stick it out one more day, and dread because of the huge drama BFing was for a preemie who didn't like to suck properly and preferred her bottles. I set little goals for myself, and they kept getting loftier, and loftier, until there were no more goals, and just enjoyment. After she started getting more awake, Chloë became better at the breast, and after we were happier with her weight, we ditched the bottle (of expressed breast milk she was getting after each nursing section) figuring it was becoming more of a clutch, and actually preventing her from purely enjoying the breast. That took about a week, and she finally stopped wanting the bottle, and actually taking more from the breast. We had many ups and downs in the beginning, everything from low milk supply as a result of BC pill to being sick and not being able to take anything in case it led to MORE low supply..Chloë also had a nursing strike for 3 days which drove me to the brink of depression. With the help of her wonderful nanny we got back on track. So now we're almost at 7 months, and for about 2-3 months I've finally got to the point where I truly, TRULY, really do LOVE nursing my babe. And here are the top 10 reasons why breast is best for me:

1. I always know when she's hungry I can give her food that *I* make, from my OWN body--how amazing is that?
2. When she is a little tired, she likes to suckle for a comfort after she eats and she'll fall asleep while still holding on
3. When she gets pleasantly full, she'll look up at me, while still attached to my breast, and smile, and as she does, milk will dribble from the side of her mouth
4. She likes to put one hand behind my back and the other on my chest
5. Sometimes with the hand that's on my chest she'll play with my mouth and if I kiss her little hands she smiles and wants more
6. Other times with the hand that's behind my back, she'll inch it closer to the breast and just sort of tickle me
7. And at other times still, she'll play with my necklace, the necklace that holds a Leo pendant that once belonged to my father
8. When all else fails, and she's being super Ms. Cranky pants, I'll put her to the breast and she'll immediately calm down
9. Similarly, when we have to go for the torturous visits at the ped. when they have to give her shots, I put her to the breast right after and she immediately forgets the horrible experience she just had
10. And lastly...I just ADORE spending those quiet moments staring at her, while she stares at me, those moments when I could just about burst with so much love for my little babe, my little pumpkin girl.

And here's what I wish daddy could do for those times in the middle of the night when I can barely stay awake

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nursing

I think I finally understand my relationship with nursing...after months of trying to perfect it and get in a groove..I've finally realized why nursing Chloe is so important to me. Asides from all the wonderful benefits of breastmilk, as well as the wonderful bonding time it offers us..I've discovered that nursing Chloe has taken a whole special meaning given how early she decided to make her entrance into our lives. To me, nursing her has also become my way of making up for the lost time she missed being 'inside'. So..that's my big revelation for the day.

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