Thursday, October 13, 2011

to Lucas, on your very first birthday

to you, Lucas, I wish you the moon and the stars,
on your very first birthday, I wish you rainbows and magic, and a life full of everything you could ever want. you are a beacon of hope and strength. you have knowing eyes and a sneaky smile that makes me laugh every time. you've lived a lot in these last few months, and i pray that you will continue to live hard, and play hard for all the rest of your life.
I could never imagine we would be blessed twice over with miracle babies, and you came unexpectedly into this world, just as we were wondering, yearning, hoping that maybe, just maybe, a shining start would look down on us. i remember thinking that there was something going on, but when that stick flashed me with the "you're pregnant" I thought the floor had given out from under me and nothing was real anymore. I remember sitting on the bed, but feeling like I was floating on air. I remember shaking uncontrollably and crying through my laughter, and wondering how truly lucky, and blessed we were. I remember feeling so much lighter than I had ever felt, and it was the most beautiful day.
I carried you in my belly for 9 months, every day hoping for another month, another week, another day--just to make sure you were big and ready to come out. I jumped through hoops to make sure you stayed inside--and by hoops I mean I stayed on the couch for 4 months. I did everything I could possible do to ensure you were safe, and while I prayed for you to stay inside as long as possible, I couldn't wait for the day I would get to hold you in my arms.
I remember holding you my arms on that first evening, and I was so tired, but you were perfect, and I don't think I let go for hours and hours. daddy changed your diaper, and I think I spent that entire first night awake. looking at you. holding you.
so, on your very first birthday, Lucas, I wish you the moon and the stars.
I wish you rainbows and magic, and a life full of everything you could ever want.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

a girl after my own heart...

Chloë: What dis? [pointing my to my ears]
Me: These are diamond earrings.
Chloë: So preddy. I wish me have diamond earrings.

Friday, October 7, 2011

moving at the speed of lightning

it feels like summer was just here, and all of a sudden the trees are turning.
my baby boy will be one next week. except, he's not a baby anymore. he's weaned himself and he drinks from a cup. he babbles and stands up straight and can fend for himself (for the most part...) when it comes to dealing with my other pumpkin.

life with two is hectic and there's nothing like it, i love--LOVE--every little thing about my babies, and when I hold them I sometimes wish they'd stay little forever. Josh feels the same way, and the other day Chloë said she didn't have to eat dinner because she didn't want to grow up because "I need to stay little like daddy said."

if I close my eyes I can still feel the haziness of those first few weeks after we brought Lucas home, and how he would nurse non stop, every two hours, sometimes every hour, and I wondered, OHMYGOD when will this end--will he ever stop eating?
tonight I found myself mourning his latest milestones: his first steps, his little babbling, his big boy demeanor. i felt a huge sense of pride for all that he has accomplished, but my eyes welled up at the thought of him growing up. the thought of both of them growing up.
each passing day, I know I can never go back, they get older, and as I struggle to leave the babies behind, knowing that my babies will never be babies again, i marvel at all that they are, all that they are becoming.
earlier, i wiped a few tears away, and eventually realized that perhaps my babies will always be my babies.