missing you

*written on December 27, 2009*

dear Chloe,

sometime in the next few weeks, we will share our last nursing session together. we've been working on this for a while, and we're down to morning and night, and you've been asking less and less. It seems you're getting used to not needing me as often. It seems you're growing up. I've had a hard time coming to terms with you weaning. In a way, it feels like you're leaving. It feels like one of the first, big, defining moments in our relationship.

But then I realize that from the day you were born, our lives have been filled with defining moments, which will ultimately shape you into the woman you will become. I remember all those moments like they just happened. Your first smile, and when you learned how to crawl, and your first steps, the first time you laughed a real belly laugh. I remember them all. I cherish them all.

So now, I've been nursing you, and holding you close each morning, and each night, like it'll be our last time. And each day, when you hold me close and drink my milk, I sketch your photograph in my mind, just in case, in case it'll be the last time.

--
*written on January 17, 2010*

It's now been almost a month since I started weaning you. I told myself for so long, how hard this would be for you, how I couldn't wean you because you just loved nursing so much, that I barely stopped to realize that in the end, I would miss it the most. Tonight as you nursed, you started drifting off to sleep, but you woke up when you realized there wasn't as much milk as you wanted. You whimpered, and caressed me, and said "oh, mommy.." and you closed your eyes and fell back asleep. When I laid you down in your crib, you rolled over grabbing your lovey, I kissed you goodnight, and I knew. Tonight, you are weaned. Tonight, I miss you.

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