dear chloë--a letter written some time ago

dear chloë,

soon you will be starting daycare. it doesn't seem like such a big deal if you think about it really quickly, but from where I'm standing, it's a huge deal--like someone once said, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind--or in our case: one small step for Chloë, one giant leap for mommy. the transition from nanny to daycare will be tough, they say. for me, not so much for you.

we've been hanging out together for over 10 months now..I sit in my room, or in the office working away, with the knowledge that you're just down the hall, playing with your nanny, and sometimes I even hear your giggling or babbling. everytime I sneak in a few minutes of playtime with you, whether it's during a bathroom break, or if I'm grabbing a snack, the smile in your face when you see me (sometimes even my footsteps make you giggle in anticipation!), it just melts my heart. even the initial crying you do when I walk away is endearing, because I know it'll soon be over, and it's just really because you wish I could stay and play all day.

please know that daddy and I have made the decision to send you to daycare so you can meet other babies and get to hang out with some cool older kids. trust me, while you may miss home during those first few days, soon enough you'll love it there. and if mommy looks like she's crying on those first few days when I drop you off or pick you up, please understand, this transition is probably much harder for me than it is for you.

and please know that as you get older, there will be many more times when mommy cries for reasons you'll only understand when you become a mommy yourself. so cut me some slack, and know that I love you so--

so, so much, and if you happen to tug at my heart when I drop you off at daycare on that very first day, I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold it together. so I ask you please--beg you--to try to be the big girl that you are and smile as I walk away, so I can manage to not cry while you can see me, because I'm going to try to be a big girl too.

the first time I held you.

**this letter was written several weeks ago on April 21st, and I never posted it because well, it was poorly written--it's all over the place. however, tomorrow is Chloë's first day at daycare, so ...here's hoping posting this will make me feel better and give me the strength I need to not break down in tears.

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my precious girl

today I had a conference for work and was gone allllll day and most of the evening...this is what I missed the most:

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oh, the joys of pumping

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
11:15am
Department of State, Washington D.C.
This was the scenario:
Three hours into a Defense Trade Association Group meeting, I had to be escorted to the ladies' room where I had to pump some breastmilk for my little babe. The handicapped stall was the chosen spot, and so while a security guard waiting outside (my visitor badge required that I be escorted at all times) I proceeded to get pumping. Nevermind the awkwardness of knowing there was a guard waiting for me to finish, bathrooms are disgusting places to pump. In an attempt at making it a little better I laid down my nice black jacket on the floor so I could place my pump and parts on it, and then after setting up, I was immediately faced with performance anxiety. After a short pep talk, I was able to get the milk flowing, As the post title says--oh, the joys of pumping--it never ceases to amaze me.

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isn't it supposed to get easier?

Today makes a week that I've gone back to work. Eventhough I only have to into the office once a week on Wednesdays, the other days I actually have to get some work done, so my days of lounging about with Chloë all day, every day, with Chloë are pretty much over..unless I have any secret desire to get fired. Which..to be fair, sometimes when I look at her, I think..maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. Anyway..I thought perhaps it would get easier but today I missed her so, so much. Thankfully there's only two more days until the weekend. I plan on doing nothing and letting Chloë decide our plans. Sounds pretty wonderful to me..

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first day at work

Words cannot express how much I missed Chloë today. Despite crying in the shower the two days prior to my first day back at work, I actually managed not to cry on my drive to work, and had a pretty good first day. I did not however, last the entire day..I left at 3pm because my heart started tugging, and I needed to come home and see her. As soon as I got home, it was time to nurse her..I don't know which one of us was happier to see the other...

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