my son, my hero

I haven't written much about this, or even a little, for that matter. But now it's over, we're on the other side, and my baby is smiling. And that smile is unlike anything I've ever seen. It's been a tough past several months as we prepared and geared up for Lucas' big surgery. We had months of anxiety, and panic, and just plain fear. We had weeks of build up to the big day, only to have it canceled the day before. Ear tubes were put in, and again we geared up for the big day. When it finally arrived, I was so nervous, and so on the edge, I felt unusually calm as we drove to the hospital, despite the thunderous downpour.

Lucas was filled with smiles, and as Josh walked him to the operating room, and he started to fuss because he was starting to realize how hungry he was, I felt an overwhelming weight just pushing down on me. I cried quietly until Josh returned and said he was asleep and the surgery would start soon.

In the waiting room, the seconds moved far too slowly and loudly. The minutes were endless, and the hours everlasting. After almost 5 hours Drs. D. and M. came out to talk to us. There were complications and as they spoke to us, I could barely make out their voices, and the room was spinning. My fear-induced calmness shattered and I broke down in a million little pieces. Again, we waited-for what felt like the longest seconds, minutes, and hours of my life. Once Dr. M. came back out I just wanted to hug him and never let go for saving my little boy and for saying we could go see him.

As we walked to the PICU, we were introduced to the nurses and other doctors who had fixed my baby, and each time, I felt such amazing gratitude for each and every one of them, thank yous were not enough. As we waited to go into his room, Josh reminded me to be brave and I knew that with him by my side, everything would be ok.

We walked in and Lucas was asleep, still sedated. He looked like he'd gotten into a big brawl, but his head dressing hid the worst of it. I cried softly, but I was so happy to see him, I just held his hand and thanked God for giving him light and protecting him and making him alright. I thanked all our friends and family who have been so supportive, and I thanked our doctors for the amazing work they did.

It wasn't until the next day, late in the morning, that Lucas was allowed to wake up. He was still badly swollen, and he couldn't open his eyes, but after asking if I could hold him, and nurse him, I was the happiest I've ever been as I held him in my arms and he took comfort in nursing and finally stopped crying.

The next few days went by in a blur. Every progress was amazing, and that first smile after Tuesday made my heart burst!

We were discharged on Friday afternoon. Only four days after we had arrived. On Tuesday morning, these amazing doctors had opened up my baby's head, reconstructed his skull, and by lunch time on Friday, we were driving home. He was all bruised up, and still swollen, but he was full of smiles.

As Josh said, he is a total badass--he is my son, my hero.



* Thank you from the bottom of our hearts, to all our friends, family and to the wonderful doctors who helped us get through this. We are so blessed and grateful for each and every one of you.

Share

In Memoriam: Kyra

Tonight the house is empty.

After we put the kids to bed and put down our wine glasses, the stillness hit me. Without you, the house is empty.

In my mind I see the reel and still shots of your life.

I see you, barely a few weeks old, curling up around our arms and legs. They said you were the runt of the litter, but you looked perfect to me.

I see you sleeping on top of piles of clothes inside my closet. I feel your nose touching mine and your quick lick before you bounce away looking for mischief.

I see your face so alert as you expertly maneuver to run and jump commando style and agilely snatch an entire pizza slice off my hand.

I hear your slurping as you drink your breakfast of cheerios and milk because we've run out of puppy chow.

I smell your wetness as you sprint inside shaking the rain off your coat and leaving a wet trail behind.

I see your almost wicked grin as you snap into position after having relieved yourself on the bed in a fit if jealousy.

I hear your feet crunching on the winter ground and see your face looking up at me with a snow covered snout.

I see your eyes, searching for mine, as you wander around the house, looking for the perfect spot to sleep.

I feel your tail hit my leg as you steal an entire stick of butter and run outside before I catch you-you growl at me, and before I have a chance to take it away, your swallow the entire stick of butter.

I remember all these moments, and so many more. I see them so clearly, and I can still smell your coat, and I feel the softness of the hair on your ear, which was so much softer than anywhere else.

But tonight, you are gone. Tonight the house is empty.

-Dedicated to Kyra, who passed away on April 20^th. We will miss you and love you always. This was written on the night of April 20^th but was kept private until today. I just wasn’t ready to share.

Share

pure love-no words needed

Share

better late than never

Lucas, April 6, eating solids for the
first time. Not quite sure what to
make of it.

Share

tranquility

this weekend I got a break from the delightful chaos my life has become. I was gone for approximately 30 hours, at an amazing Inn in Charlottesville, Va. Before I left, I wondered if it was too short a getaway, then I debated whether it might be too long-a whole night away? I didn't leave Chloë until she was well over a year. The morning arrived, and I found myself eager for the drive, which I took with a good friend. In the 30 hours I was gone, I revelled in festivities of a friend's bachelorrete weekend; basked in the sound of silence as there were no shrills of "mommmmyyyyy" anywhere in sight; slept with the knowledge that no one would wake me; and basically relaxed .. had some spa treatments, engaged in a ridiculous amount of girl talk, and read. Read without having to stop to unload the washer, or change a diaper, or take someone to the potty. It was heavenly. However, before the 30 hours were up, I missed the giggles, and the coos, and the diaper changing, and the smell of freshly washed baby clothes, and the delightful chaos my life has become. In the end, it was the perfect getaway. Long enough to enjoy being on my own, but short enough so I could get back to my loves.



a dusting of snow on the roses outside the room


the view from the breakfast table

Share

a picture is worth a thousand words

Share

what perfect weekends are made of

this.


and also this.

Share

special day out

today after a family trip to the playground, I asked Chloë if she wanted to go out for lunch with just mommy, and that we could have a special date, just us girls, we'd go have some lunch, maybe some ice cream, and after we could go to the store and she could pick one toy. Her face lit up, and she asked me, just to be sure, I think, "mommy and Chloë? No daddy, and no Lucas?" I smiled and confirmed that it'd be just us. She was almost out the door before I could even grab my purse, without any shoes on or jacket. I reminded her to put her shoes on, and we quickly put on her jacket. Right before she was about to walk out the door, she did a double take and looked at daddy on the couch and ran to him for a "big hug and a kiss."

Soon after, we were on our way. Her excitement and giggles were all I needed to make this sunshining day even brighter. We ate amidst laughs and jokes, and throughout she kept saying she was going to get a new baby for her new toy. Mind you, she has over 10 babies already. We walked over to get some ice cream, and stopped by the girl scouts' stand and bought some tagalongs. She skipped towards the ice cream parlor hugging her box of cookies "Mine cookies!" She had cotton candy ice cream with M&M's, but barely finished it, because she couldn't contain the excitement of what was to come "I want to go get my new baby!" So off we went.

She is smarter than I give her credit for, and she managed to pick the one box that had not one, but two babies, they were twins, so for the price of one toy, you got two babies! I think that was a little too much excitement for her, because as she looked at all the displays with only one 'baby dolly', she couldn't understand why anyone would pick anything other than the one with "TWO babies!!" Before we paid, she asked me "Lucas get a new toy, too?" So I told her to pick something for him, I thought it was just so sweet that she would think of him. She choose a box of little books, Toy Story books, or as she calls it "Cowboy movie." It was only once we got home, and we finished showing daddy her new baby dollies, that I realized, the toy for Lucas was really just another toy for her. "Chloë, show daddy what we picked out for Lucas." "Lucas no toy, mommy, Chloë got new toys, baby and Cowboy books!"

So, it was really the perfect outing for her. And for me. I have missed having my baby girl just to myself, all by myself. Thanks for a perfect day, Chloë.

Share

love

I know that in a few years, these two will be at each other's throats, and I'll try to remind them how loving they were towards one another back in the day, but for now, I will enjoy the pure beauty, joy and love that just overflows whenever these two are close together. It is so real, so powerful, it makes everything perfect.

It's love.


October 2010

Share

my little boy

lucas, february 2011

it's only been 4 months and he's already starting to look like such a little boy! it amazes me and fills me with so much love, and also makes me think time is going a little too fast. I've tried to cherish every moment, every memory, every milestone, just as I did with the first pumpkin, but sometimes it feels as if we're fastforwarding through this babyhood, with so much going on. I barely have time to breathe sometimes, and I have neglected to post more stories and pictures of my latest pumpkin, but despite the lightning speed at which life is moving forward at the moment, and the semi-organized chaos our lives seems to have become, I can still see every first--his first cry, his first gaze into my eyes, his first smile, that first giggle (oh! nothing better!), all those memories, they're safely stored in my heart, even if they have not yet been captured on a baby book, or on this blog of mine. because this little boy, he is something else. it's early, I'm still sleep deprived, but I could not have asked for anything more than my two perfect little pumpkins.




my two pumpkins, december 2010

Share

a family of 4

As evidenced by the lack of posts, we are still adjusting to life as a family of 4.

It's been 7 weeks and we're all still sane (just barely!)

Everytime I think lack of sleep will drive me over the edge, or a missed nap will make me deliriously tired, I look at these little faces, and all is well in the world again.

Share

10/13/10

10/13/10. Thirteen has always been my lucky number.

On October 11, 2010, after being off bed rest for 11 days, I went out on a crazy fun day with my Chloë. We went to the mall, shopped up a storm, played around, ran, had lunch together, and still made time to go to the Pumpkin Patch after nap. By the time I got home that evening, I didn't think too much of the wave of constant contractions that had come over me. I had been having contractions for weeks, so this wasn't new. What I didn't realize until I was out again--this time at the mall by myself once Chloë had gone to bed--was that these contractions were about 4-5 minutes apart, and could technically lead to labor. I went home, called Dr. F. who instructed me to up my dose of medication and see if we could buy a few more days. I was 37 weeks and 3 days. The next two days that followed were uncomfortable, and full of moments when we thought "this is it!" However, it wasn't until Wednesday morning, on October 13, 2010, that I realized we were having a baby. We had an appointment with Dr. F. at 1pm, and he pushed it earlier. As I got dressed, I packed as if we were heading to the hospital, which alarmed Josh a little, but he quickly got on board.

The 45 minute car ride to Dr. Fr's office, as well as our short time in the waiting room was filled with contractions every 5 minutes. It didn't take Dr. F. more than a couple of minutes to look at me, smile, and ask me if I was ready to have a baby. With that, we headed to the hospital, knowing that in a few hours, we'd get to meet our little boy.

After waiting for about five hours before they could take us to the operating room, at 5:33pm we got to meet our newest miracle: Lucas. He was born at 37 weeks and 5 days, full term, weighing in at 7 lbs 4 oz, measuring 19 3/4 long, with a full head of dark hair. He cried as they got him out, and Josh got to hold him right away. Once I was back in the room, it wasn't long before they brought him to me, and as I put him close to my chest, he instinctively started eating. The feeling of being able to hold my baby right after birth, in my room, with me, is something I wasn't prepared for. It was what I had always dreamed of, and the impact of having that dream come true was overwhelming.

Our first night, I think I held Lucas most of the time Josh wasn't busy on diaper duty. It was magical. It has now been a little over two weeks, and it is still magical. All those long days on bed rest, all the worries, all the frustration...they have all melted away as I hold my baby boy, my other little miracle. It was all worth it. And as I have said, over and over, words just can't describe it.


Lucas, a couple of hours old.


Lucas, one week old.


My two babies.

Share

miracles

Both of my pregnancies have resulted in such unprecedented miracles, I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. Today, I'm particularly overwhelmed. Chloë, my first miracle, was conceived years after I had been told I may never be able to have a baby--she was conceived after many tears, and challenges and that first pregnancy had its own obstacles which we successfully overcame. When she was born, a few days before she reached 34 weeks, I remember aching to hear her first cry, and crying myself when her little voice filled the room. That was a little over two years ago, and as I sit here today, particularly overwhelmed, I am filled with tremendous joy as I revel in this second miracle--a full term baby. I am having a full term baby!

When I realized I might be pregnant, and a day later Dr. F. confirmed that, yes, amazingly, I was pregnant, I knew we'd have a tough road ahead of us. During the first trimester, Dr. F., always the optimist, never stated for sure that I'd need bed rest, but whenever I broached the subject, I could see it in his eyes as he urged me to just enjoy each day as much as possible, and take it easy. He didn't have to say it, we both knew it.

When bed rest arrived at 20 weeks, Josh and I embarked on one of the hardest journeys of our lives together. We lived through 16 weeks of bed rest. We survived it, we fought it, and we made it. It was hard, unexpectedly hard at times, and Josh has been a rock--I don't have words to express how much I appreciate, and love all that he has done for me and Chloë during these last four months. It hasn't been easy on any of us, and he deserves a star--a whole universe!--named after him, for always maintaining his calm, for being my EVERYTHING, and most importantly, for always having faith, especially when my own faith would sometimes flicker.

So, today, we are 37 weeks, and I have a full term baby in my belly. Words cannot describe the emotions that fill my heart; words cannot describe how truly thankful I am for an amazing daughter, a phenomenal husband, and this tremendous miracle that I'm carrying inside me. I'm simply overwhelmed, and loving every minute of it.

Share

the bright side

in the last week our car ended up in the shop, our house flooded, and Chloë has a double ear infection. However, we are STILL pregnant! 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant to be exact.

When I turned 36 weeks, I got my cerclage removed, and was officially taken off bed rest! While my mobility is still somewhat compromised because everything HURTS from four months of laying on my bum, this is HUGE. A momentous occasion which we celebrated with a date night! I actually got to leave the house and not worry about whether walking from the car to the restaurant would cause me to go into labor. It was wonderful, everything I imagined freedom would be like. I felt like I was walking on air, with fairies and butterflies following my every move, and rainbows paving the way. It felt *that* magical. More magical than that was picking up my Chloë after 4 months. The look of utter delight on her face when I offered to pick her up is something I will NEVER forget. She was beyond happy, and kept saying "Wook at me, mommy!" as if I didn't know what we were doing. Oh, I knew..everything hurt, but it was all worth it.

As if I couldn't get any happier, I also realized that bed rest made me love being pregnant. While I love the result of pregnancy, I've never been one of those women who delight themselves in the actual being pregnant part of the whole thing. I don't like the maternity clothes, I despise the constant peeing, I hate it when people stare, when strangers and acquaintances want to touch your belly, oh! and morning sickness, let's not even go there! The list could go on, and on (and on...) However, yesterday I realized that I am LOVING being pregnant. The horrible back discomfort, the hip aches, and insane sciatic nerve pain *almost* don't bother me, because I keep thinking that I am so incredibly pregnant, and I'm just thrilled! So, in the grand scheme of things, all the craziness going on in our household, is entirely secondary to the fact that our little boy is still safely inside!

Share

nursery indecision

We've put the finishing touches on baby boy's room but now we just can't decide whether or not we prefer the room with the robot alphabet along the metal chair rail or without. So, it's your turn-- while we toyed with the idea of letting his name be picked by a lottery system such as this, we've decided we'll just roll the dice and choose between the three of us--but we'll have some fun and see what room decor wins!

Please vote below!

Share