dear chloë--a letter written some time ago

dear chloë,

soon you will be starting daycare. it doesn't seem like such a big deal if you think about it really quickly, but from where I'm standing, it's a huge deal--like someone once said, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind--or in our case: one small step for Chloë, one giant leap for mommy. the transition from nanny to daycare will be tough, they say. for me, not so much for you.

we've been hanging out together for over 10 months now..I sit in my room, or in the office working away, with the knowledge that you're just down the hall, playing with your nanny, and sometimes I even hear your giggling or babbling. everytime I sneak in a few minutes of playtime with you, whether it's during a bathroom break, or if I'm grabbing a snack, the smile in your face when you see me (sometimes even my footsteps make you giggle in anticipation!), it just melts my heart. even the initial crying you do when I walk away is endearing, because I know it'll soon be over, and it's just really because you wish I could stay and play all day.

please know that daddy and I have made the decision to send you to daycare so you can meet other babies and get to hang out with some cool older kids. trust me, while you may miss home during those first few days, soon enough you'll love it there. and if mommy looks like she's crying on those first few days when I drop you off or pick you up, please understand, this transition is probably much harder for me than it is for you.

and please know that as you get older, there will be many more times when mommy cries for reasons you'll only understand when you become a mommy yourself. so cut me some slack, and know that I love you so--

so, so much, and if you happen to tug at my heart when I drop you off at daycare on that very first day, I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold it together. so I ask you please--beg you--to try to be the big girl that you are and smile as I walk away, so I can manage to not cry while you can see me, because I'm going to try to be a big girl too.

the first time I held you.

**this letter was written several weeks ago on April 21st, and I never posted it because well, it was poorly written--it's all over the place. however, tomorrow is Chloë's first day at daycare, so ...here's hoping posting this will make me feel better and give me the strength I need to not break down in tears.

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