Deja vu

It's been weeks since I last decided to share anything of what this pregnancy has been like for us, and in that time, I also neglected to share anything related to Chloë. I just didn't think I could write without revealing all, so I chose not to write at all. We've had a rollercoaster of a month, and are slowly, slowly (but surely) getting adjusted to a new routine, our new reality. We are now a little over 5 months along and going on day 11 of bed rest.

Yup-bed rest again. The first time, while brutal, it was totally doable. I didn't disrupt too much, just stayed in bed, or on the couch working away until Josh came home from work. This time we have Chloë. We've had to change our schedules, figure out different routines, get her used to different things, and most of all, get me used to not being with her, doing things with her, for her, all the time. It's been insanely hard for me, and her. She's much better at getting used to it, she's tough. I'm still struggling, though hanging in there. I'm still able to work, so the distraction has been a blessing. Wonderful friends have helped in so many ways, and Josh has been a rock.

Without Josh and his ability to make it all ok, I'm not sure how I'd be doing right now. He has reminded me a few times this week that I can do it, and of course it's going to be hard, because as of now, as of 5 months ago, we don't just have one kid, we have two kids. And that's what makes it worth it, I know that I'm doing this for this little boy that's kicking my bladder every day, countless times a day, making me race for the bathroom. And I know from experience that as soon as I hold him in my arms, as soon as I see his face, I'll forget all about the hard part. So for now, I'll just lay here. For him. As I did for her.


they make it all worthwhile.

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like a proper little girl

These pictures just make my Chloë seem so old! No longer a baby, but a proper little girl. Josh told me I had to take the pictures of her pretty pigtails, and he HATES my obsession with picture taking, so I figured I really *had* to take these. So here they are:

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Motherhood

Last year, Mother's Day was so huge for me, it marked such a miracle, I was overwhelmed with emotions days before the actual day. This year, life has been so hectic, it took me until the day was almost over to realize that this Mother's Day, I have received another miracle. I was always told that the chances of me conceiving naturally were pretty much nonexistent, and after Chloë was born, I knew that despite that, I could still be a mother. We had just started contemplating adding another baby to the mix when before we even had a chance to figure out what the next step was in trying for another miracle--the miracle descended upon us.

It was March 1st when I took my third or fourth home pregnancy test since having had Chloë. See, since we thought we couldn't conceive naturally, there was never any reason to use any kind of birth control. Every once in a while, I would take a test if there was a big event, say a wedding, or a huge night out planned, where old school college days type drinking might be in order. March 1st was such a day. Josh and I were due to leave for Miami for our first vacation without Chloë, and we had plans to have a wild week. When that test turned positive, I was dumbfounded. I always took the test thinking, knowing, it was just a precaution, that it would be negative, and March 1st was no different. I actually left the test sitting on the bathroom counter for a couple of hours before I remembered about it. When I picked it up, and saw it, I rushed to the bedroom where I could sit down, and I hyperventilated. I could barely breathe. I cried in disbelief, with total joy, a unique kind of joy, because I still couldn't, wouldn't, let myself believe that this could be real. I went to the doctor that same day, and there it was. A baby.

This Mother's Day I celebrated my first miracle, my Chloë bear, my pumpkin. I also celebrated this baby in my belly which came to us when we least expected it. On top of it all, I was celebrated by my amazing husband and daughter who let me sleep in, made me breakfast, took me out for lunch, and showered me with gifts. Motherhood: today I have no complaints.

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kisses with love

Nowadays Chloë is a big fan--HUGE fan--of giving kisses. She puckers up perfectly, and loves to kiss her baby dolls, her teddy bears, Kyra, all her school friends, even Elmo pictures she sees in her books. Mommy and daddy? Not so much. Everytime either one of us asks for a kiss it's as if she almost delights herself in saying "Nao!" with a bit of a smirk. It's like she knows we just desperately want that adorable kiss and only she can give it to us.

Every night before bed, Josh will ask "Can daddy have a kiss?" as we're getting her ready for bed, and invariably she'll smirk and say "NAO!" Well, tonight, love was in the air, and as he asked for a kiss, she puckered up and waited till he he got close to her, and she gave him an AWESOME, delicious kiss. And she kept giving away those kisses, like they were free or something. At one point, I couldn't resist and asked for some too, thinking in the back of my mind that she'd deny me the love, but thankfully, she deemed me worthy and I got kisses too. After all our kisses, I said to Josh, well, that was our allotment of kisses for the rest of the month and he laughed.

My fears were confirmed this morning when I asked for a kiss and she gave me that knowing look and said "Nao!"

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bath time!

Yesterday while I was getting dinner ready and Josh was telling me about his day, Chloë puttered around playing with her baby doll. As the two of us talked, we could hear her talking to her baby, and kissing the baby, and generally having a great time. At one point, things went a little too quiet, and once Josh went to check on her all I heard was "Oh, no" in a very defeated tone. I looked over, and he said "Chloë went to give the baby a bath." I walked over, and realized what he truly meant. She had indeed decided to give the baby a bath. In the toilet. We both stood there looking at her, and she held one of the baby's arm, and then we realized she must have tried to dry the baby with the toilet paper rolls, because there were TWO of them inside the toilet as well as the baby. Josh approached her slowly, and explained he'd have to take the baby away and everyone had to get their hands washed, and she freaked out. It seemed as if she was scared that she had done something wrong, so we tried to calm her down while also explaining to her that toilet water is just yucky.

We washed her hands, and arms, and face, and we hid the baby in the kitchen sink for a proper bath later on. The next thing we did was sit down for dinner. But now, thinking back, I so wish we had grabbed the camera and taken a picture of Chloë's baby in the 'bath'. It is certainly a vision to remember.

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a princess in NYC

This past weekend we took a road trip to NYC to visit my dad and his wife. As an added bonus my oldest sister and her son were there as well. What should have taken us 4 1/2 hours ended up taking 7, and towards those last couple of hours, not even Dora the Explorer could entertain Chloë who desperately wanted out of her carseat and kept pleading with me "Mommy, peeeeas!" Once we finally arrived at the hotel, way past her dinner time and bedtime, she was SO excited to get out of the car, she forgot all about being tired and hungry. While I tried to think quick and order some dinner so we could put her to bed, Chloë made quick friends with Max, and the two of them ran all around the suite. By the end of her dinner, she was completely comfortable with everyone and slightly annoyed when we took her to bed. She crashed pretty quickly a little before 9pm (!!) and Josh and I joined everyone for a terrific dinner at the Post House.

The weekend was pretty full of activities, much of which involved Chloë constantly wanting to wear her new princess costume and crown, as Max ran around in his Star Wars get up. We went to the Central Park Zoo, and walked around, and played with ducks, and Chloë was even treated to a fancy shopping spree and made out with 4 beautiful dresses!

On Monday morning when we were getting ready to leave slightly after breakfast, she started to get moody, and I think she had a feeling that the free-for-all weekend theme of being able to do anything she wanted and get away with it all was coming to an end. She gave everyone goodbye kisses and loudly waved "byeeeeee! byeeeeee!"

Thankfully, the drive back took us the expected 4 1/2 hours, and in the evening everyone was asleep by 8pm.

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She really does LOOOVE bunnies!

Hard to believe, huh?

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she's ok, really. REALLY!

Since the last time I posted, LOTS have happened, but I'll leave that to another post. This one is dedicated to the first time Chloë got a major BOO BOO!

It was a normal Thursday afternoon, the weather was great, and as we've been doing for the last few days of total sunshine and butterflies that we've been having, we've been hanging out in the patio and the backyard after Chloë comes home from daycare. Yesterday was no different. We kicked around a ball, pushed Chloë in her car, walked around looking for pine cones, and continuously told Chloë NOT to climb onto the picnic table. We must have scolded her a MILLION times "Chloë, don't STAND on the table, SIT on the bench." Over and over and OVER.

As one can imagine, our countless warnings and reminders did nothing to prevent what was mostly inevitable since Chloë learned how to climb onto the picnic table bench and onto the table. I was sitting on a chair a few feet away, and Josh was maybe 2 seconds from grabbing her as Chloë, for oh, maybe the 946th time, climbed onto the picnic table bench and started to try and get her momentum to swing herself onto the table and whoops, lost her balance. In the two seconds it took for her to not grab a hold of the table and actually dive headfirst onto the slate floor, Josh rushed over and I instinctively turned my head and closed my eyes. Yes, I refused to look. Not exactly what you'd think would be the first mom thing to do, but it's exactly what I did: I looked away. Josh missed her, and she fell head first onto the floor and hit her forehead. She screamed and screamed, and as Josh picked her up she immediately called for me at which point, I quickly composed myself, took a deep breath and opened my arms up for her. She hugged me immediately and just cried and cried. As I watched her face, and saw her tears, I was amazed at just how quickly the bruise and gigantic BUMP on her forehead appeared. Right before my eyes! We called the Doctor who told us these things usually look MUCH worse than they are (REALLY? Have you fallen off a picnic table headfirst onto the slate patio floor recently?) and instructed us to make sure her pupils looked normal, and she didn't throw up, and keep her up for a couple of hours.

We sat there watching her and trying to put ice on her forehead as she swatted us away saying "Não! Não!" and she seemed ok. She was back to playing in less than 10 minutes, and 12 minutes after her fall was once again trying to climb up the picnic table. Her forehead, on the other hand, is definitely indicative of the good fight she got into with the floor. All in all, major crisis averted.


no bump picture because, well, it looks awful!

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my pumpkin

this is the face that wins all. when she looks at me like this she is likely to get whatever she wants. something tells me she is not too young to already know this, and so we've been seeing this face more and more often.

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a kiss is worth a thousand words

back in November, Kyra and Chloë finally accepted one another and realized there is true love between them. This week, Chloë decided kisses are no longer for mommy and daddy, but only for Kyra.

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breathe on me

When I was little and I would sneak onto my parent's bed, I always wanted to synchronize my breathing with my mom's breathing, while she slept, so that I wouldn't have to breathe her 'old' air. Even as a teenager, if I shared a bed with my mom, or my sister, I insisted on synchronizing our breathing. I could not stand the thought of breathing someone else's 'old' air. Until now. Tonight, as I put Chloë to bed, I was singing to her, and she fell asleep on my shoulders, her face nuzzled against my own. Once she was asleep, I stopped singing and just stared at her. I could stare at her for hours, days. And that's when I realized that I could feel her breathing against my own breathing, and that I was in fact breathing her old air. Except, I cherished it. And for once, I did not try to synchronize my breathing.

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a family affair

Growing up my father always had a pet peeve when taking photographs--he always told us to hold our heads up straight--NO tilting! Now, I know that tilting can sometimes ruin a perfectly wonderful picture, but personally, I see no damage done here. We all look like we're having a grand old time--particularly the little one!

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blizzard 2010

words just don't do it any justice...

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missing you

*written on December 27, 2009*

dear Chloe,

sometime in the next few weeks, we will share our last nursing session together. we've been working on this for a while, and we're down to morning and night, and you've been asking less and less. It seems you're getting used to not needing me as often. It seems you're growing up. I've had a hard time coming to terms with you weaning. In a way, it feels like you're leaving. It feels like one of the first, big, defining moments in our relationship.

But then I realize that from the day you were born, our lives have been filled with defining moments, which will ultimately shape you into the woman you will become. I remember all those moments like they just happened. Your first smile, and when you learned how to crawl, and your first steps, the first time you laughed a real belly laugh. I remember them all. I cherish them all.

So now, I've been nursing you, and holding you close each morning, and each night, like it'll be our last time. And each day, when you hold me close and drink my milk, I sketch your photograph in my mind, just in case, in case it'll be the last time.

--
*written on January 17, 2010*

It's now been almost a month since I started weaning you. I told myself for so long, how hard this would be for you, how I couldn't wean you because you just loved nursing so much, that I barely stopped to realize that in the end, I would miss it the most. Tonight as you nursed, you started drifting off to sleep, but you woke up when you realized there wasn't as much milk as you wanted. You whimpered, and caressed me, and said "oh, mommy.." and you closed your eyes and fell back asleep. When I laid you down in your crib, you rolled over grabbing your lovey, I kissed you goodnight, and I knew. Tonight, you are weaned. Tonight, I miss you.

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Chloë looks sweet and innocent

Chloë is 18 months today. From the looks of it, she looks pretty sweet and innocent. Right? Now, look closer, deep into her eyes. Do you see that? Right there? Yup, that's what I'm talking about. She only *looks* sweet and innocent. The reality is that she is well on her way to those infamous Terrible Twos and is so stubborn, you'd think she couldn't be more like her mother.

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