click on the picture to zoom in
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
i was kidding
remember how a couple of weeks ago I celebrated the upcoming arrival of Chloë's teeth? I must have tempted fate, because, well, they still haven't sprouted out, and she continues to be teething. Her latest teething toy is yours truly.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
seriously? SERIOUSLY?
so this past Saturday I threw out 27.5 oz of tainted-with-gadolinium** pumped breastmilk. Or perfectly fine, drinkable breastmilk. YES--PERFECTLY FINE BREASTMILK! So perfectly fine, Chloë could have nursed and received all that milkie goodness straight from the source, fresh! Unfortunately, I only discovered this today. I pumped and dumped; I deprived my pumpkin of nursing; I turned my back (in this case my front) on Chloë so she wouldn't get tainted by gadolinium. Except she wouldn't have! According to the wonderful people at the Breastfeeding Center in Washington, DC, I could have continued breastfeeding without a worry in the world. And according to this too. And to the American College of Radiology.
I will no longer listen to the alleged MRI specialists who obviously know nothing about lactating women. I will not listen to any of the doctors who tried to give me advice (who shall remain nameless because despite it all, I still love them!) and instead I will only listen to lactation specialists when it comes to breastfeeding queries. Because they are probably the only ones who TRULY understand how hard it was for me to watch my little pumpkin desperately trying to nurse through my shirt.PS. On an unrelated note, remember how we have the baby who won't (until recently anyway) poop on her own? Yeah, well, the baby who won't poop pooped in the bathtub. Yeah, that baby. Not as gross as you think, but still pretty gross.
** gadolinium is the contrast agent used in a lot of MRIs.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
missing auntie B
yesterday Chloë spoke on the phone with auntie B, and while these pictures don't show the tremendous smile she flashed as soon as she heard auntie B's voice, they're still adorable. Chloë held the phone tight and talked as auntie B entertained her.
Friday, May 22, 2009
why weaning will SUCK
Today I had an MRI with contrast for a shoulder/nerve injury. You would think that the fact that I was stuck inside a coffin, practically, for 1 hour and 47 minutes would be sufficient punishment for one day. You would think my day couldn't get any worse. You would think that for a Friday, my day would surely get better. You would be wrong.
The fact that I was injected with gadolinium contrast means that for 24 hours I have to pump and dump--DUMP my milk. It means I can't nurse my little pumpkin. It means that when she clamours for my milk, hands outstretched inching her little mouth to my chest, I have to push her away. Ultimately, it means weaning will suck. I already knew that. But seeing the want in her eyes as she tried to grab my shirt yum-yumming and smacking her lips just broke my heart.
Yes, I can definitely say weaning will suck. Maybe more for me than her, but for sure, when the time comes, I will be one broken hearted mommy.
Here's to hoping time could stand still...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
who loves cupcakes?
daddy clearly wishes he had more cupcake in his mouth than on his beard
mommy seems pretty content with the icing
grandma had never had cupcakes before this day (!)
Chloë can't believe her lucky stars...
...she wanted it all for herself!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
lights out
Yesterday at 2:45pm our power went out. Chloë usually naps at around 3pm, and on top of needing the trusty sound machine to fall asleep and stay asleep, she also gets very hot all the time, so without the AC, she did not manage to fall asleep. She was sweaty, and sticky, and aware of any little noise in the house--the dog walking up the stairs, the lawn mower outside, my breathing!, everything--so my mom and I decided to go out until the power came back. We went for ice cream, and walked around. We came back home at around 5:30pm, and unfortunately Chloë had to eat dinner and get ready for bed with NO LIGHT, NO AC! We managed to put a radio in her room with the static which helped her fall asleep, and she slept in a onesie and we hoped she wouldn't get too hot. When the power came back at 10pm my mom and I almost jumped for joy. My joy also had a lot to do with the 500 oz of breast milk stored in the deep freezer which thankfully stayed frozen. I think I would have cried for days if all of that had gone to waste.
Friday, May 15, 2009
a long time coming
so after months and months (and months and months...) of everyone and their mother (strangers, too!) making comments about how Chloë's teeth were coming, and oh my, look how she's teething, and oh, I bet her gums are really itchy! and NOTHING--it looks like my little pumpkin's first two teeth are finally making their way to the top, getting ready to pop out in a few days (maybe a week or so.)
We noticed it yesterday, the little faint, white-transparent whisperings of teeth wanting to emerge, and two little swollen bumps on her bottom gum, and it all made sense. Chloë has been a little crankier than usual lately, and we just assumed she was readjusting her nap schedule or something. But no, after months and months, it looks like we may see some teeth soon. I was beginning to think she'd be this funny looking teenager all gums and no teeth, but now I'm fairly confident she'll have something to smile about.
a toothless smile...but for how long?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
she's coming!
Chloë's official babysitter, aka my MOM (!!) arrives tomorrow for part deux of her babysitting vacation. As of right now Josh and I already have plans to go out on Friday and Saturday night, and I am beyond thrilled to be going to see BOTH the Wolverine movie, and Star Trek.
Oh yea, and I'm also beyond thrilled to see my mom again, of course!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
happy mother's day to me
when I was 23 I was told I may never become a mother.
After a laparoscopy removed endometriosis implants from my uterus, the Doctor told me that I may never become a mother. I remember my own mother, eyes filled with fear and sadness, and I remember me, not really grasping the full meaning of what I was being told, but thinking that somehow, I was broken inside.
It took a while, a few years, for the reality to sink in, and for me to start thinking about my life in those terms...trying to plan and figure things out to maximize my chances of becoming a mother, if it were at all possible. It's ironic, because when I was younger, much younger, I used to say I never wanted to have kids. When that possibility became much closer to a reality than I could have ever imagined, I was scared. I had never been more scared than anything in my life. I never told anyone how scared I was.
In the end, I was blessed with finding a man who loved me for all that I am, broken parts and all. Before we got married, Josh knew that if we wanted to become parents, we would need to start working on it right away. For both of us, we started trying to make our family a little sooner than we would have otherwise done so. That was scary too, because I didn't know whether I'd be ready (though now I know you're never really ready until you're a mother...and even then, there are moments you're still not ready.)
After a year of trying, and many doctor visits, our new Doctor told me that not only did I have endometriosis, but I also had PCOS--double whammy. I will never forget, though, the day in his office when he looked me in the eye and confidently stated that "we would get me pregnant." I think his confidence relaxed me, and gave me much needed faith.
Faith got me through the next few months of multiple doctor appointments, and frustration, and pain--pain for what may never be.
The day when I went in to see Dr. D because of horrible cramps and just an overall yucky feeling, it never crossed my mind that all that faith had paid off. He did some tests, and I went to work. He never told me that one of those tests was a pregnancy test. A few hours later when he called me to tell me the results, he told me he had the best Christmas present for me. It didn't quite register, but when he said those words "You're pregnant--Merry Christmas," I swear my heart stopped. My whole body was shaking and I just wept. I wept for all those years I had lived thinking this would never happen, that motherhood would never be my reality. I wept for the man that married me despite knowing that I may not be able to give birth to his child. I wept for my mother for thinking that her youngest daughter may never become a mother. Through all my tears, I was smiling, inside and out, smiling so hard it hurt, and when I told Josh I had the best Christmas present for him, he didn't believe me. He thought I was joking. I think for him it didn't quite sink in until I peed on a stick and handed it to him. I still have that stick.
All those months of all day sickness (not sure why they call it morning sickness...) and all the extra precaution, and all those weeks on bedrest...all those months, they were all worth it. On July 9th, 2008, a Wednesday, all those months became worth it. When I heard Chloë crying as they got her out of me, I cried with her.
So today, when I celebrate my first Mother's Day with Chloë and Josh, I celebrate it for me, for the 23 year old girl in me who was told she may never become a mother; I celebrate it for Josh who helped me become the woman and mother that I am today; I celebrate it for my mom who gets to see her own daughter a mother, every day; and I celebrate it for all mothers. Especially those who thought they may never become one. Happy Mother's Day.
with my mom
when we were still kids ourselves...
pregnant already without knowing it
my Christmas miracle
Saturday, May 9, 2009
mother's day is every day
as part of a campaign sponsored by Momocrats with CARE and The White Ribbon Alliance for Safe Motherhood, I am reposting my birth story below. The campaign is "to prevent maternal mortality by providing expectant mothers around the world with access to basic prenatal care and childbirth support from a properly trained doctor, midwife or attendant--it is an awareness campaign called Mother's Day Every Day." Please join by reposting, or posting your birth story, or a birth or adoption story that has personal meaning for you on your blog, and then ask readers to visit the Mother's Day Every Day website here: MothersDayEveryDay.org.
after 13 days of hospital bed rest and constant contractions that were only kept at bay with the help of several medications that had awful side effects..our little girl decided no matter what she was not staying inside any longer. On July 9th (the day I was supposed to maybe be discharged given my contractions had stayed the same after cutting back on the meds) I woke up at 4am with pretty nasty contractions. I said to Josh, as he slept on the super uncomfortable hospital couch, hmmm this really hurts. Since this had been going on for so long, we decided to just lay in bed for a while and see what happened. By 6am I couldn't refrain from buzzing the nurse, and by 7:30am they had wheeled me from the post-partum area where I had been spending my ante-partum days into the labor and delivery area.
Dr. F. came in as he did every morning and after some internal examination thought maybe this was just another one of what we had come to call 'my episodes'...it would go away in about an hour. He went on his way,but by late morning the nurse had already put a call to him to see if they could give me some pain meds as the contractions were getting closer and closer and way more painful. Something told me this was getting a little bit more real..
After speaking with Dr. F, the nurse did another internal examination and determined I was indeed dilating despite the meds to prevent that. She smiled at me and said "the baby is coming..."
At the moment all I could do was look at Josh, and I was so scared, I just cried. I knew the baby was doing well, she was 34 weeks, but still, we wanted to be able to keep her in there at least until 36 weeks.
I tried to brave the contractions for a while, but by 3pm the nurse said if I didn't get the epidural within a half hour, I'd have to wait another 3-4 hrs because the epidural doctor would be busy in a c-section. At 3cm dilated I decided to go for it..the contractions were pretty awful already..and they were about 3-5 mins apart. We tried to time it so the epidural needle would be in me between contractions but I ended up having a particularly bad contraction right during the epidural--not the easiest thing to sit still while a huge needle is stuck in your back. Josh later told me the needle was indeed pretty big..
From then on, while I kept dilating, it had slowed down some, as the nurse had explained would happen because of the epidural. Dr. F showed up when I was about 5cm dilated and broke my water to speed things along since the baby was coming out no matter what and the less stress she went through the better.
After the epidural things were much better and Josh and I could talk, and discuss the fact we still had no name for our little girl..we decided we'd wait till we saw her--as had been agreed previously. We called our parents, siblings, friends, etc and told them the time had come..there was no holding back. Bridget and Aaron came to the hospital and while the three of them ate chips and drank soda, I had to satisfy my thirst and hunger with ice chips.
By 5pm Dr. F. said I would be ready to push in a couple of hours. When 6pm rolled around and progress was still very slow, Dr. F. explained about pitocin and suggested I take it to speed things along. I was exhausted and after being reassured it would be ok for the baby, gave the go ahead. I started pushing at 7:15pm and because of the epidural, pushing was the hardest thing ever--I couldn't quite tell if I was pushing or not. The nurse suggested I stop pushing the button to increase the epidural drip a little while before I started pushing so I knew in a while I would be able to feel the contractions. By 8:20pm or so I started feeling them, and pushing was getting more uncomfortable, though Josh was very good at keeping my morale up and holding my leg.
Close to 9pm Dr. F. mentioned the baby had turned her head a little sideways and was making it complicated to come out..turns out with the extra room she discovered after getting engaged to come out she decided to change positions. So, after 5 weeks of first demonstrating her desire to come out, the little girl decided to make herself comfy. By 9:30pm Dr. F. suggested a c-section since he hadn't been able to turn her head and he didn't want any additional stress since she was so small.
I was pretty terrified of potentiall feeling the incision, but once they wheeled me into the operating room and Josh sat my side I calmed down a bit. I was still scared and I remember telling Josh continuously "I'm scared of the incision...I'm scared of the incision..." At one point he smiled at me and said "They already did it." I thought they were joking, and I asked "Are you serious?" All I heard was Josh laughing and Dr. F. confirming that yes, they had opened me up and were getting ready to get her out.
I heard Dr. F. mumble something about how she was wedged in there good..and the next thing I heard was our baby crying. I turned my head to the side, where the neonatologist was examing her, and I saw her head..a head full of hair..and the tears flowed easily. After a few minutes they brought her over to Josh and he held her in his arms--they told us she came out breathing on her own--and everything was perfect then. I looked at her face and hoped Josh would agree when I said "I think she looks like a Chloë"--he smiled and I knew then that this little girl was something special.
We were allowed to see Chloë a couple of hours after she was born, they took us to the NICU and they gave her to me and she was pretty quick to find my breast and start eating. I was the happiest person ever--well, maybe Josh and I tied for that--and when I saw Josh holding our daughter I thought I would explode I was so happy.
here is my birth story:
after 13 days of hospital bed rest and constant contractions that were only kept at bay with the help of several medications that had awful side effects..our little girl decided no matter what she was not staying inside any longer. On July 9th (the day I was supposed to maybe be discharged given my contractions had stayed the same after cutting back on the meds) I woke up at 4am with pretty nasty contractions. I said to Josh, as he slept on the super uncomfortable hospital couch, hmmm this really hurts. Since this had been going on for so long, we decided to just lay in bed for a while and see what happened. By 6am I couldn't refrain from buzzing the nurse, and by 7:30am they had wheeled me from the post-partum area where I had been spending my ante-partum days into the labor and delivery area.
Dr. F. came in as he did every morning and after some internal examination thought maybe this was just another one of what we had come to call 'my episodes'...it would go away in about an hour. He went on his way,but by late morning the nurse had already put a call to him to see if they could give me some pain meds as the contractions were getting closer and closer and way more painful. Something told me this was getting a little bit more real..
After speaking with Dr. F, the nurse did another internal examination and determined I was indeed dilating despite the meds to prevent that. She smiled at me and said "the baby is coming..."
At the moment all I could do was look at Josh, and I was so scared, I just cried. I knew the baby was doing well, she was 34 weeks, but still, we wanted to be able to keep her in there at least until 36 weeks.
I tried to brave the contractions for a while, but by 3pm the nurse said if I didn't get the epidural within a half hour, I'd have to wait another 3-4 hrs because the epidural doctor would be busy in a c-section. At 3cm dilated I decided to go for it..the contractions were pretty awful already..and they were about 3-5 mins apart. We tried to time it so the epidural needle would be in me between contractions but I ended up having a particularly bad contraction right during the epidural--not the easiest thing to sit still while a huge needle is stuck in your back. Josh later told me the needle was indeed pretty big..
From then on, while I kept dilating, it had slowed down some, as the nurse had explained would happen because of the epidural. Dr. F showed up when I was about 5cm dilated and broke my water to speed things along since the baby was coming out no matter what and the less stress she went through the better.
After the epidural things were much better and Josh and I could talk, and discuss the fact we still had no name for our little girl..we decided we'd wait till we saw her--as had been agreed previously. We called our parents, siblings, friends, etc and told them the time had come..there was no holding back. Bridget and Aaron came to the hospital and while the three of them ate chips and drank soda, I had to satisfy my thirst and hunger with ice chips.
By 5pm Dr. F. said I would be ready to push in a couple of hours. When 6pm rolled around and progress was still very slow, Dr. F. explained about pitocin and suggested I take it to speed things along. I was exhausted and after being reassured it would be ok for the baby, gave the go ahead. I started pushing at 7:15pm and because of the epidural, pushing was the hardest thing ever--I couldn't quite tell if I was pushing or not. The nurse suggested I stop pushing the button to increase the epidural drip a little while before I started pushing so I knew in a while I would be able to feel the contractions. By 8:20pm or so I started feeling them, and pushing was getting more uncomfortable, though Josh was very good at keeping my morale up and holding my leg.
Close to 9pm Dr. F. mentioned the baby had turned her head a little sideways and was making it complicated to come out..turns out with the extra room she discovered after getting engaged to come out she decided to change positions. So, after 5 weeks of first demonstrating her desire to come out, the little girl decided to make herself comfy. By 9:30pm Dr. F. suggested a c-section since he hadn't been able to turn her head and he didn't want any additional stress since she was so small.
I was pretty terrified of potentiall feeling the incision, but once they wheeled me into the operating room and Josh sat my side I calmed down a bit. I was still scared and I remember telling Josh continuously "I'm scared of the incision...I'm scared of the incision..." At one point he smiled at me and said "They already did it." I thought they were joking, and I asked "Are you serious?" All I heard was Josh laughing and Dr. F. confirming that yes, they had opened me up and were getting ready to get her out.
I heard Dr. F. mumble something about how she was wedged in there good..and the next thing I heard was our baby crying. I turned my head to the side, where the neonatologist was examing her, and I saw her head..a head full of hair..and the tears flowed easily. After a few minutes they brought her over to Josh and he held her in his arms--they told us she came out breathing on her own--and everything was perfect then. I looked at her face and hoped Josh would agree when I said "I think she looks like a Chloë"--he smiled and I knew then that this little girl was something special.
We were allowed to see Chloë a couple of hours after she was born, they took us to the NICU and they gave her to me and she was pretty quick to find my breast and start eating. I was the happiest person ever--well, maybe Josh and I tied for that--and when I saw Josh holding our daughter I thought I would explode I was so happy.
are we going back to no sleep?
last night I put Chloë to bed at 7:15pm.
By 8:30pm she let out a cry..and after a few minutes of fussing went back to sleep. At 9:15pm she cried out again, and again, fell back asleep within a few minutes. From then on, until about 1am, she proceeded to wake up every hour for a few minutes, crying out before falling back asleep.
When she woke up this morning at 7:45am, she didn't seem bothered by her night of interrupted sleep, so maybe she doesn't remember it. While I feel bad for her, and wish she could have slept better, I also wish I didn't remember my own night of interrupted sleep. Like her, I wish I could have slept better. But such is life, or rather--such is motherhood.
Friday, May 8, 2009
cuteness
today Chloë had a playdate with Allison. While Caitlin and I gabbed about nothing and everything, the two little pumpkins played. It was business as usual for the little ones. Allison stole Chloë's toys from her hands, and Chloë cried--multiple times; They looked at each other and talked, then they grabbed each other's faces, and stared in awe. The new game was Allison feeding Chloë some puffs--it was the cutest thing I've ever seen. Allison was so proud of herself, and just so excited. It must have been SO much fun, because she then decided it was time to feed me. Those puffs are really very bland. By 6pm both girls were tired, hungry and whiny. Before Caitlin and Allison left, the two girls decided they wanted to nurse. We sat there talking as the girls ate, and I think they knew what the other was doing--the same thing they were--because every few seconds one of them would pull away and look at the other. Again--the cutest thing I've ever seen! All in all, a great way to start the weekend!
Allison feeding Chloë
The two of them were almost too busy to pose for pictures
Thursday, May 7, 2009
look how fancy i am!
I got a blog makeover!! Courtesy of the wonderful and talented Erin from Designer Blogs by Erin--I looooove what she did, and she was so amazing to work with. If I had won the lottery last week I would seriously get a blog makeover every week.
Monday, May 4, 2009
that's how she rolls
whenever we go out for a walk, this is what Chloë does--she puts her foot (sometimes feet) up on the stroller like so, and proceeds to hum for the duration of the walk--it's a sing song hum, and she always sounds like she's having a blast (though I know this picture doesn't completely convey exactly how much fun she's having because she looks so frickin' cool and aloof). Anyway, the foot is just a little extra je ne sais quoi that she likes to add to her sing-song-hum-dee-doh stroll. It makes her look cool. It makes her look super fly. I think so.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
lovin' loveys
I just checked in on my little pumpkin and she's fast asleep, sweetly on her side, clutching her two little lovey blankets like she'll never let go. each one is rested on one side of her face and she's holding on tightly. I went to get Josh so he could see how absolutely adorable she looks, and when I came back she had changed positions but was still holding on. these are the two she sleeps with: the yellow ducky and the little dog.
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