happy mother's day to me

when I was 23 I was told I may never become a mother.

After a laparoscopy removed endometriosis implants from my uterus, the Doctor told me that I may never become a mother. I remember my own mother, eyes filled with fear and sadness, and I remember me, not really grasping the full meaning of what I was being told, but thinking that somehow, I was broken inside.

It took a while, a few years, for the reality to sink in, and for me to start thinking about my life in those terms...trying to plan and figure things out to maximize my chances of becoming a mother, if it were at all possible. It's ironic, because when I was younger, much younger, I used to say I never wanted to have kids. When that possibility became much closer to a reality than I could have ever imagined, I was scared. I had never been more scared than anything in my life. I never told anyone how scared I was.

In the end, I was blessed with finding a man who loved me for all that I am, broken parts and all. Before we got married, Josh knew that if we wanted to become parents, we would need to start working on it right away. For both of us, we started trying to make our family a little sooner than we would have otherwise done so. That was scary too, because I didn't know whether I'd be ready (though now I know you're never really ready until you're a mother...and even then, there are moments you're still not ready.)

After a year of trying, and many doctor visits, our new Doctor told me that not only did I have endometriosis, but I also had PCOS--double whammy. I will never forget, though, the day in his office when he looked me in the eye and confidently stated that "we would get me pregnant." I think his confidence relaxed me, and gave me much needed faith.

Faith got me through the next few months of multiple doctor appointments, and frustration, and pain--pain for what may never be.

The day when I went in to see Dr. D because of horrible cramps and just an overall yucky feeling, it never crossed my mind that all that faith had paid off. He did some tests, and I went to work. He never told me that one of those tests was a pregnancy test. A few hours later when he called me to tell me the results, he told me he had the best Christmas present for me. It didn't quite register, but when he said those words "You're pregnant--Merry Christmas," I swear my heart stopped. My whole body was shaking and I just wept. I wept for all those years I had lived thinking this would never happen, that motherhood would never be my reality. I wept for the man that married me despite knowing that I may not be able to give birth to his child. I wept for my mother for thinking that her youngest daughter may never become a mother. Through all my tears, I was smiling, inside and out, smiling so hard it hurt, and when I told Josh I had the best Christmas present for him, he didn't believe me. He thought I was joking. I think for him it didn't quite sink in until I peed on a stick and handed it to him. I still have that stick.

All those months of all day sickness (not sure why they call it morning sickness...) and all the extra precaution, and all those weeks on bedrest...all those months, they were all worth it. On July 9th, 2008, a Wednesday, all those months became worth it. When I heard Chloë crying as they got her out of me, I cried with her.

So today, when I celebrate my first Mother's Day with Chloë and Josh, I celebrate it for me, for the 23 year old girl in me who was told she may never become a mother; I celebrate it for Josh who helped me become the woman and mother that I am today; I celebrate it for my mom who gets to see her own daughter a mother, every day; and I celebrate it for all mothers. Especially those who thought they may never become one. Happy Mother's Day.

with my mom

when we were still kids ourselves...

pregnant already without knowing it

my Christmas miracle

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