a family of 4

As evidenced by the lack of posts, we are still adjusting to life as a family of 4.

It's been 7 weeks and we're all still sane (just barely!)

Everytime I think lack of sleep will drive me over the edge, or a missed nap will make me deliriously tired, I look at these little faces, and all is well in the world again.

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10/13/10

10/13/10. Thirteen has always been my lucky number.

On October 11, 2010, after being off bed rest for 11 days, I went out on a crazy fun day with my Chloë. We went to the mall, shopped up a storm, played around, ran, had lunch together, and still made time to go to the Pumpkin Patch after nap. By the time I got home that evening, I didn't think too much of the wave of constant contractions that had come over me. I had been having contractions for weeks, so this wasn't new. What I didn't realize until I was out again--this time at the mall by myself once Chloë had gone to bed--was that these contractions were about 4-5 minutes apart, and could technically lead to labor. I went home, called Dr. F. who instructed me to up my dose of medication and see if we could buy a few more days. I was 37 weeks and 3 days. The next two days that followed were uncomfortable, and full of moments when we thought "this is it!" However, it wasn't until Wednesday morning, on October 13, 2010, that I realized we were having a baby. We had an appointment with Dr. F. at 1pm, and he pushed it earlier. As I got dressed, I packed as if we were heading to the hospital, which alarmed Josh a little, but he quickly got on board.

The 45 minute car ride to Dr. Fr's office, as well as our short time in the waiting room was filled with contractions every 5 minutes. It didn't take Dr. F. more than a couple of minutes to look at me, smile, and ask me if I was ready to have a baby. With that, we headed to the hospital, knowing that in a few hours, we'd get to meet our little boy.

After waiting for about five hours before they could take us to the operating room, at 5:33pm we got to meet our newest miracle: Lucas. He was born at 37 weeks and 5 days, full term, weighing in at 7 lbs 4 oz, measuring 19 3/4 long, with a full head of dark hair. He cried as they got him out, and Josh got to hold him right away. Once I was back in the room, it wasn't long before they brought him to me, and as I put him close to my chest, he instinctively started eating. The feeling of being able to hold my baby right after birth, in my room, with me, is something I wasn't prepared for. It was what I had always dreamed of, and the impact of having that dream come true was overwhelming.

Our first night, I think I held Lucas most of the time Josh wasn't busy on diaper duty. It was magical. It has now been a little over two weeks, and it is still magical. All those long days on bed rest, all the worries, all the frustration...they have all melted away as I hold my baby boy, my other little miracle. It was all worth it. And as I have said, over and over, words just can't describe it.


Lucas, a couple of hours old.


Lucas, one week old.


My two babies.

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miracles

Both of my pregnancies have resulted in such unprecedented miracles, I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. Today, I'm particularly overwhelmed. Chloë, my first miracle, was conceived years after I had been told I may never be able to have a baby--she was conceived after many tears, and challenges and that first pregnancy had its own obstacles which we successfully overcame. When she was born, a few days before she reached 34 weeks, I remember aching to hear her first cry, and crying myself when her little voice filled the room. That was a little over two years ago, and as I sit here today, particularly overwhelmed, I am filled with tremendous joy as I revel in this second miracle--a full term baby. I am having a full term baby!

When I realized I might be pregnant, and a day later Dr. F. confirmed that, yes, amazingly, I was pregnant, I knew we'd have a tough road ahead of us. During the first trimester, Dr. F., always the optimist, never stated for sure that I'd need bed rest, but whenever I broached the subject, I could see it in his eyes as he urged me to just enjoy each day as much as possible, and take it easy. He didn't have to say it, we both knew it.

When bed rest arrived at 20 weeks, Josh and I embarked on one of the hardest journeys of our lives together. We lived through 16 weeks of bed rest. We survived it, we fought it, and we made it. It was hard, unexpectedly hard at times, and Josh has been a rock--I don't have words to express how much I appreciate, and love all that he has done for me and Chloë during these last four months. It hasn't been easy on any of us, and he deserves a star--a whole universe!--named after him, for always maintaining his calm, for being my EVERYTHING, and most importantly, for always having faith, especially when my own faith would sometimes flicker.

So, today, we are 37 weeks, and I have a full term baby in my belly. Words cannot describe the emotions that fill my heart; words cannot describe how truly thankful I am for an amazing daughter, a phenomenal husband, and this tremendous miracle that I'm carrying inside me. I'm simply overwhelmed, and loving every minute of it.

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the bright side

in the last week our car ended up in the shop, our house flooded, and Chloë has a double ear infection. However, we are STILL pregnant! 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant to be exact.

When I turned 36 weeks, I got my cerclage removed, and was officially taken off bed rest! While my mobility is still somewhat compromised because everything HURTS from four months of laying on my bum, this is HUGE. A momentous occasion which we celebrated with a date night! I actually got to leave the house and not worry about whether walking from the car to the restaurant would cause me to go into labor. It was wonderful, everything I imagined freedom would be like. I felt like I was walking on air, with fairies and butterflies following my every move, and rainbows paving the way. It felt *that* magical. More magical than that was picking up my Chloë after 4 months. The look of utter delight on her face when I offered to pick her up is something I will NEVER forget. She was beyond happy, and kept saying "Wook at me, mommy!" as if I didn't know what we were doing. Oh, I knew..everything hurt, but it was all worth it.

As if I couldn't get any happier, I also realized that bed rest made me love being pregnant. While I love the result of pregnancy, I've never been one of those women who delight themselves in the actual being pregnant part of the whole thing. I don't like the maternity clothes, I despise the constant peeing, I hate it when people stare, when strangers and acquaintances want to touch your belly, oh! and morning sickness, let's not even go there! The list could go on, and on (and on...) However, yesterday I realized that I am LOVING being pregnant. The horrible back discomfort, the hip aches, and insane sciatic nerve pain *almost* don't bother me, because I keep thinking that I am so incredibly pregnant, and I'm just thrilled! So, in the grand scheme of things, all the craziness going on in our household, is entirely secondary to the fact that our little boy is still safely inside!

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nursery indecision

We've put the finishing touches on baby boy's room but now we just can't decide whether or not we prefer the room with the robot alphabet along the metal chair rail or without. So, it's your turn-- while we toyed with the idea of letting his name be picked by a lottery system such as this, we've decided we'll just roll the dice and choose between the three of us--but we'll have some fun and see what room decor wins!

Please vote below!

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a tale of two pregnancies

While both my pregnancies have resulted in bed rest, they have also both been very different. The most poignant difference at the moment is that I am currently the most pregnant I have ever been. Chloë was born when I was 33 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Below is the face of a 33 weeks and 5 days pregnant woman who wants to be HUGELY pregnant-not something you see, or hear about every day. At this point, most women are counting down the days for the baby to come out, I'm still counting down the days so I can stay pregnant longer.


33 weeks and 5 days

Today I am 34 weeks and have survived 14 weeks of bed rest. At the moment, if everything continues to go well, I will be taken off bed rest in exactly 2 weeks, and I have a fantasy where this little guy decides that after all this time, he's just going to stay in there until 39-40 weeks. Just for kicks. Then again, there's a good chance he'll come out within a day, or 2, of me going off bed rest, stopping my medications and removing my cerclage--all scheduled for Friday, October 1, 2010.

As I pat myself on the back, and marvel at the fact that I'm still (arguably) half sane, I got nostalgic and decided to look through pictures of my growing belly, both in 2008 and now.


23 weeks, then and now

To be honest, I don't see much difference in how my belly looked, but some people swear it looks higher and rounder this time.


31 weeks, then and now

Either way, I'm still beaming from the high of currently being the most pregnant I've ever been. It's a feeling that I know won't ever go away, because every day, I'm even more pregnant than the day before. And once this little guy makes his debut (no hurry!) I'll know that I kept him in longer than I ever thought possible.

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laughter

as I get closer to the end of my bed rest days (4 and a half weeks to go and counting!) the only things that have kept me sane have been: Josh, Chloë, friends and family! And the latest in family that has made it all much more bearable was the visit from Barbara and Gary. The two of them brought much needed laughter, and distraction, and filled our house with love and a lightness that only comes from being at ease with family. They've since left, and we all miss them already. Especially Chloë who quickly developed an attachment to Auntie B and Uncle Gary...or perhaps it was their iPhones? Either way, there's no denying that we all had such a blast! With B and Gary, it's actually impossible not to have a blast--just see below:


giggling buddies


sister, sister!


and more giggling!


because it's impossible not to giggle with those two around


but we did get one frame-worthy shot!

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never ending days

It's been a month since I last offered any updates on how we're holding up as bed rest continues for me, and Chloë just becomes more and more rambunctious.

This week I am 30 weeks pregnant, a huge milestone for someone who lived with 8 weeks of not knowing if I'd make it to a good viability point. Having endured almost 10 weeks of bed rest, I feel like a survivor already, but there's another six weeks to go, and I'm not going to lie, it's tough, very tough, but each week I hold this baby in, I know it's less time spent in the NICU, and having spent 2 weeks in the NICU with Chloë, after weeks of hospital bed rest, I am willing to do anything to avoid that this time around.

Saying that almost makes it seem like I'm totally great doing this, however, as I described it to someone earlier this week, long term bed rest is a very special kind of hell. I have passed the halfway mark, and as I said, I have another six weeks to go. At 36 weeks the doctors will remove my cerclage, take me off my medications, and at that point I'm off bed rest and free to deliver whenever. The goal is to make it to at least 37 weeks, though Dr. F. is being very optimistic and believes I will make it to 39 weeks, which is when he scheduled my c-section for. Personally, I have hopes of making it to 38 weeks and spending the weeks after I'm released from bed rest lazing by the pool, getting mani/pedis, doing last minute touches to the nursery finished, and perhaps going to a movie or two. But who knows, I could deliver the minute they remove my cerclage. Either way, this fantasy is what has kept me going the last few weeks.

As the weeks have crawled along, I've had good days and bad days. On good days I relish in the anticipation of the baby boy that's almost here (no need to hurry, though!) and I daydream about what life will be like once he joins us on the outside. On bad days, I wallow in self pity and wonder how I'm going to make it one more day, one more week, and would it be really bad if I just ignored some of the doctor's orders and went out for the day. Thankfully, the good days are enough to make me conquer the bad days, and I trudge along. Whatever the day, though, I have something that always perks me up:


the face of someone who's about to get into trouble...


sweet moments with daddy

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The Bed Rest Debate

Maybe it's because five weeks of bed rest have started to wear me down, maybe I'm just using my brain too much, but I came across several articles pointing to the limited research available on pregnancy bed rest and raising questions about its benefits. The articles also touched a nerve when discussing the potential negative side effects of bed rest on some women, as I am still recovering from what was diagnosed after many, many months of pain, as Parsonage Turner Syndrome, or Brachial Plexitis on my left shoulder. It is safe to say I was a little taken aback and apprehensive about all these articles and publications I came across, to say the least.

This is the article that first jolted me to seek Dr. Google's advice (bad, BAD move...)

Followed by all these publications found on this website.

To be fair, I was not looking for any of this. I was merely searching for possible bed rest exercises to help prevent muscle atrophy. In the end, I have come out with serious questions and doubts, which deep in my heart, I know can't be answered sufficiently or alleviated because even without much evidence, if Dr. F. tells me bed rest is the best chance I have at keeping this little boy inside longer, I will do it without a blink of an eye.

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Sunday morning in the backyard

Despite being cooped up as bed rest continues, I still find ways to enjoy summer, and more importantly, to indulge my little pumpkin in one of her favorite things of all time--to play outside! Every weekend morning it's the same thing after breakfast "Mommy, Daddy...outsiiiiide" "Outsiiiiide, peeeeeas" "I wan outsiiiiide"...and we just can't resist.

So, this is what we did on Sunday morning. Several hours of outsiiiiide!

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time and changes

A Letter to Chloë, on your 2nd birthday

From the moment my belly started bulging out a few months ago, until about 5 weeks ago, I cherished our bedtime routine, knowing they might come to an abrupt end through no fault of our own. I would hold you in my arms, and you always stuffed your face into my neck, trying to fit it just right, and you'd put your arms around me, and sigh so peacefully. They were short minutes, when I would hold you tight before placing you in your crib. I would say "'night, 'night" and you'd grab your bear and watch me leave the room. There were some nights I almost cried, because I knew that those days were almost over, that not only was my belly getting bigger, and bed rest was looming in our future, but you are also getting bigger, more independent, knowing your own mind, and some nights would quickly want to move from my shoulders to your crib.

Now you are two--two full years, and Daddy has been putting you to bed every night, for about 5 weeks now. Those first few days when you'd complain as you went upstairs and I stayed behind on the couch, I would cry as I heard you and Daddy upstairs, laughing, getting your PJs on, and doing our routine. I would cry because I miss you, because I know by the time I'm able to once again hold you in my arms before bed, you might not want it anymore because you are two. Two full years. Full of life, wants and demands.

I don't cry anymore, because I know you are strong and you understand. You kiss and pat my belly, but I still think you have no idea exactly how our world will rock when this other little treasure comes out into the world. It will be amazing, and with all that you have become in the last two years, you will also be amazing.

So for now, I celebrate your birthday, the little person you're becoming, and as I lay on the couch, on the bed, on the floor, I enjoy every minute of you. You, with your curls, and your knowing smile, your mischievous eyes, and all your charm. From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I just knew it, you were about to rock my world, and you've never disappointed.

I love LOVE love you! Amo MUITO!

-Mommy


there are no words

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because it's worth it

this is day 26 of bed rest and for all the moments I want to rip my hair out or cry for hours on end, there's one thing that keeps me going. Knowing that I'll have a little piece of me, a little piece of Josh, wandering around climbing trees, and just looking positively mischievous.


climbing trees with friend, Chase


looking angelic to some, but really, ready to pounce on mischief

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Deja vu

It's been weeks since I last decided to share anything of what this pregnancy has been like for us, and in that time, I also neglected to share anything related to Chloë. I just didn't think I could write without revealing all, so I chose not to write at all. We've had a rollercoaster of a month, and are slowly, slowly (but surely) getting adjusted to a new routine, our new reality. We are now a little over 5 months along and going on day 11 of bed rest.

Yup-bed rest again. The first time, while brutal, it was totally doable. I didn't disrupt too much, just stayed in bed, or on the couch working away until Josh came home from work. This time we have Chloë. We've had to change our schedules, figure out different routines, get her used to different things, and most of all, get me used to not being with her, doing things with her, for her, all the time. It's been insanely hard for me, and her. She's much better at getting used to it, she's tough. I'm still struggling, though hanging in there. I'm still able to work, so the distraction has been a blessing. Wonderful friends have helped in so many ways, and Josh has been a rock.

Without Josh and his ability to make it all ok, I'm not sure how I'd be doing right now. He has reminded me a few times this week that I can do it, and of course it's going to be hard, because as of now, as of 5 months ago, we don't just have one kid, we have two kids. And that's what makes it worth it, I know that I'm doing this for this little boy that's kicking my bladder every day, countless times a day, making me race for the bathroom. And I know from experience that as soon as I hold him in my arms, as soon as I see his face, I'll forget all about the hard part. So for now, I'll just lay here. For him. As I did for her.


they make it all worthwhile.

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like a proper little girl

These pictures just make my Chloë seem so old! No longer a baby, but a proper little girl. Josh told me I had to take the pictures of her pretty pigtails, and he HATES my obsession with picture taking, so I figured I really *had* to take these. So here they are:

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Motherhood

Last year, Mother's Day was so huge for me, it marked such a miracle, I was overwhelmed with emotions days before the actual day. This year, life has been so hectic, it took me until the day was almost over to realize that this Mother's Day, I have received another miracle. I was always told that the chances of me conceiving naturally were pretty much nonexistent, and after Chloë was born, I knew that despite that, I could still be a mother. We had just started contemplating adding another baby to the mix when before we even had a chance to figure out what the next step was in trying for another miracle--the miracle descended upon us.

It was March 1st when I took my third or fourth home pregnancy test since having had Chloë. See, since we thought we couldn't conceive naturally, there was never any reason to use any kind of birth control. Every once in a while, I would take a test if there was a big event, say a wedding, or a huge night out planned, where old school college days type drinking might be in order. March 1st was such a day. Josh and I were due to leave for Miami for our first vacation without Chloë, and we had plans to have a wild week. When that test turned positive, I was dumbfounded. I always took the test thinking, knowing, it was just a precaution, that it would be negative, and March 1st was no different. I actually left the test sitting on the bathroom counter for a couple of hours before I remembered about it. When I picked it up, and saw it, I rushed to the bedroom where I could sit down, and I hyperventilated. I could barely breathe. I cried in disbelief, with total joy, a unique kind of joy, because I still couldn't, wouldn't, let myself believe that this could be real. I went to the doctor that same day, and there it was. A baby.

This Mother's Day I celebrated my first miracle, my Chloë bear, my pumpkin. I also celebrated this baby in my belly which came to us when we least expected it. On top of it all, I was celebrated by my amazing husband and daughter who let me sleep in, made me breakfast, took me out for lunch, and showered me with gifts. Motherhood: today I have no complaints.

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